Well, I am still doing the Blogging 101 class but now I am feeling wayyy behind. One assignment, to make nice with the neighbors – look up in my reader about topics that interest me and interact with bloggers who are writing about them. I thought, welllll I’m already doing that so check! Done.
The next assignment, to write to my ideal reader. Well, my friends, I have so many! lol… (by the way I had asked you guys to help me increase my followers and they went from 45 to 79 in a week! Don’t know if you had anything to do w/ that but thank you!)
Anyway – I will write to my ideal reader but then …
There came another assignment, but wait … do I have more than one blogging course going on? This is what I do. I start small and suddenly, POOF, I am overwhelmed.
I do this IRL (in real life) as well. I start small and manageable, as in jobs, as in volunteering/ helping others, and POOF, all of a sudden life is way too big and overwhelming.
As I have said ad nauseam, GUILT GUILT GUILT!!! is my greatest derailer.
Now why would I feel so guilty all the time!
Number one, I grew up Catholic.
Ok, I hear crickets, especially from the Catholic corner lol… I know it’s a cliche … But I want you to know, I’ve heard a lot of Baptist preachers, and they do their own share of guilting people, for not doing enough, or for not doing the right things, or for feeling the wrong way … you get my drift, sigh. This is the faith I have chosen – or God has chosen. AA says, take what you like, and leave the rest. Well, as a Christian, it has to be more like, Take what GOD says, and leave the rest! And some of the legalism I hear is not from God! And here I am, a sitting duck. Vulnerable, seeking truth and support and “the right way,” and there I am feeling guilty again!
Yes, we all know what we are supposed to do with guilt. Throw it out the window.
Some guilt, of course, is warranted! When you do something wrong, you SHOULD feel bad. You SHOULD rectify it.
Shame is another thing. I learned in recovery group circles that guilt is for what you’ve done, shame is for what you are.
And I had my share of THAT growing up. I don’t want to tell you – ok I will tell you. Parents and older siblings who said “You’re stupid, you should know better, you’re not enough, you never do anything right,” does that all sound beneficial to the soul of a child? But guess what, I bet there are few children who didn’t suffer that to some degree. So why did my psyche take it in more than those of you who don’t carry that stuff around?
That makes me tear up… 😥 But I try not to “go there.” It’s in the past and I have learned a LOT since then.
But I am still struggling. Is it my diagnosis of bipolar, my anxiety, that are making me less and less able to function?
Ok, rewind… the Church inflicted a lot of guilt, family … what about friends and lovers?
Now I admit that in my younger years I was not exactly chaste. And my choices of partners were not the best… Again with the “You’re stupid, you should know better, you’re not enough, you never do anything right,” how about we add some more … you’re not pretty enough, you aren’t enough to earn my loyalty, my fidelity, you aren’t worth my efforts to treat you better…
Ok I’m getting maudlin here.
Now there is the fourth villain: My own head. Yes, I have taken all those messages, stirred them up, added some sugar, some alcohol, some bad behaviors, some misunderstood theology, baked them for an hour at 350* … um, ok, more like 55 years, at 800* …
(Ok Kat quit whining about guilt, could you please write about something else???)
And there I come to the ideal reader. The one who is reading this. Someone who can listen, maybe nod and say “I hear you,” or even, “BTDT (been there done that).” The one maybe who is having a good day when I’m not. And vice versa! Because my favorite thing to do is help you have a good day! Or, especially, make you laugh!
So, I guess I completed another assignment. Unless … you would rather not listen to my whining. In which case you have two choices:
1. Read another of my blogs that is not so negative.
2. Hang up the phone. After all, no one is forcing you to stay here, lol…
(even though it will break my heart if you leave, pout, grin …)