Ordinarily, I make sure I am awake enough to make sense: to write stellar prose, to present myself the way that I most want to … In other words, to be something I’m not? Wait wait wait, don’t say that out loud.
It is interesting being part of this blog world. I read things written by people I would never have met otherwise. I am alternately impressed, blessed, depressed, or stressed … (oh I don’t want to say “alternately.” What’s a better word? Help me out, guys…)
Now as part of recovery from being a person with bipolar, I am supposed to surround myself with positive people and energy. Stay in the Bible, instead of the World, be a helper bee… in other words, create a reality in which I do not necessarily exist?
Oh dear, I am not making a whole lot of sense, which is why I usually wait until I am awake … but no, this is me being real…
I read a lot of people who are very very depressed! And I find myself nodding my head a lot!
I want to sit next to them and cry.
Or, make them feel better.
And then someone wrote about faith, or a lack thereof.
And it made me think.
I am (quote) “a person of faith.” I “do” the things one is supposed to do if one is a person of faith. Either it demonstrates that I am, or it helps me to be one.
One of my favorite pictures I’ve posted is the one that says my track record for getting through days is 100% so far.
And really, I have to think that’s got to be God. Because if it was up to me, I probably wouldn’t be here. I would either have acted on those way-too-many urges to off myself, or I’d be drinking, or some such thing.
But God has protected me from that. And perhaps also from getting into the kinds of situations that might aggravate those feelings. (Cough: Relationships! Cough cough)..
One thing I do, here and on Facebook, is share the things that are helping me to get by. I don’t know that what I share is necessarily what I am feeling at the time. ie, victorious, or able to do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. But one thing that helps me, for example, is a scripture page for depression. Or maybe I am having a lot of anxiety. The great thing about looking at these pages is that there may be only one verse that helps me get through the day, or that I remember being helpful for something else. The point sometimes is just getting through the day!
(Edited to add: My friends are instrumental! And I have one in particular who has been with me for for almost 25 years! She is not even one of “us,” but she gets it [and loves me anyway]).
Now as I explained, I haven’t been awake long enough, really, to know how I feel today, other than, clearly, I am confused, haha (there’s an “app” for that one, too, lol). Sigh….
Some might say that I can choose how I feel. Or, that I shouldn’t allow my feelings to determine how I, um, feel. (ha ha, I had no idea that page existed).
The worst, as someone else pointed out today, is when someone tells me I “should” be happy (I am NOT going to link to that one, probably to your great and utter joy). Or, worse, there are people who, inevitably, will tell me of the various and sundry reasons why I “should” be happy. Well I know that I “should” be happy!!! Isn’t that what depression is?? Why do you think I’m so upset??? Yes I know there are people who have it worse, I know there are people who don’t have Christ, for example, or a home, or food, or or or… ERRR that ERRRRKS me (get it? irks/erks … aren’t I clever….)
Honestly? This is not what I planned for this page to say.
But, I figured I had to write something – after all, you might start to worry about me, as I sometimes do you.
And, this is what my brain came up with.
I’m still sleeping, but I am a bit less confused. There is progress.
I tagged “morning pages” and Julia Cameron, partly because what I wrote here could be considered “morning pages.” (But no; I edited this post too much to call it that!) She has written several books, one of which is called The Artists’ Way. The Artists’ Way is a book for those of us who are creative (painters, writers, street sweepers, whatever you are), But we can’t seem to allow ourselves to express that creativity. I strongly recommend the book. One of her suggestions is to write 3 pages, or “morning pages,” as soon as you wake up, not worrying about flow or grammar, or whether it makes sense or not. It’s kind of like “bleeding the pipe” and getting rid of the sediment that’s been sitting there. Flush it out, and the true creativity begins to flow. Writing these pages is really helpful. I may or may not start doing them again.