Monthly Archives: April 2015

Secret Santa Blog Day

Read the blog and see if you might be interested in joining the Secret Santa Blog Day! I am! 😀

Just me being curious

How much love is there in this church of blogs? How much trust? How much is it really “about the cause and not the applause”? (thank you, Melissa: http://workforthecausenottheapplause.com)

After Susan’s great guest post (http://justmebeingcurious.com/2015/02/17/fear-the-opposite-of-love-2/), He whispered two words: “Secret Santa”. That annual “work tradition” (where I come from). You are given a name, and you buy a gift, and on the same day – everyone gathers together and opens these “anonymous” gifts.

And then He left this (draft post) to simmer gently for a couple of months. Now I find the timer pinging …

Secret Santa Blog Day

You write a post which is published on someone else’s blog – you receive a post someone else has written and publish it on your blog – all published on the same day.

Why?

The content of these blogs is clear: it is about the cause not the applause. So what…

View original post 666 more words

One small step for man, one giant tube for mankind

Yes, if you remember the moon walk – no not the moonwalk – the moon walk, you know, Neil Armstrong, etc etc – yeah if you remember that? You’re over 50 and you’re way past due for a colonoscopy. It’s currently recommended that you have one every 10 years.

I’ve had 2 or 3 of them, I can’t remember. Haha, isn’t that funny, because the medication they give you is designed that way. And I’M GRATEFUL. Anyway I am having another one on WEDNESDAY. Yes I am yelling. (I had some symptoms which prompted the first one, and polyps which necessitated my having them more frequently).

The part that is memorable, unfortunately, is the prep. But I’m sure you’ve heard allll about that.

Ok, one more colonoscopy joke and I’ll get serious.

Now seriously. Let’s talk about colon cancer. From Cancer.org

Excluding skin cancers, colorectal cancer is the third most common cancer diagnosed in both men and women in the United States. The American Cancer Society’s estimates for the number of colorectal cancer cases in the United States for 2015 are:

  • 93,090 new cases of colon cancer
  • 39,610 new cases of rectal cancer

Overall, the lifetime risk of developing colorectal cancer is about 1 in 20 (5%) … Colorectal cancer is the third leading cause of cancer-related deaths in the United States when men and women are considered separately, and the second leading cause when both sexes are combined. It is expected to cause about 49,700 deaths during 2015.

So I think maybe we ought to take it seriously.

The prep I referred to above consists of a clear liquid diet and a very thorough laxative. Let’s just say it’s cheaper than those fancy colonics you will hear advertised, but just as effective. And will probably do you a lot more good.

Please don’t put yours off!

Walking After Midnight Part II

The title of my blog, “Walking After Midnight,” may also refer to those of us with mental health issues. Our symptoms can separate us from the crowd, and leave us walking around in the dark, sometimes literally.

Many characters in the Bible felt the same despair that we feel. A few examples: “How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?” (Psalm 13:1). “My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long?” (Psalm 6:3) “O LORD, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear! even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save!” (Habakkuk 1:2). We feel like we are walking in the dark, alone and with no help. Even when we know that there is help – friends, care providers, clergy, God – we feel judged, misunderstood, alone.

Your own experience may differ, but my symptoms come from depression, anxiety, mania, psychosis. All of these contribute to losses I have had in my life: Relationships, jobs, money, esteem. A place in society. Courage. Confidence. I could go on, ad infinitum. But boy is that depressing!

There is help, but sometimes it’s the wrong kind. People who have not experienced our own form of “madness” don’t get it. When we are suffering, it’s truly rare to find “Earth people” who say the right things. If you do have people in your life who know how to help, who love you – treasure them! If you don’t have anyone to support you – find someone! I heard recently that we should all have about five “go-to” people in our lives.

And don’t continue to expose your heart to those who don’t understand, to those who hurt you. Such people can make you feel small, or defective, every time you go to them. You deserve better than that. Value yourself, and go elsewhere.

Ultimately, in self defense, we must advocate for ourselves. We are responsible for our own recovery, for being as stable as we can be. Here are some of the ways.

  • Remember that shame has no place in regard to your mental illness. It’s not your fault! You’re not any less valuable than anyone on the planet. This is my greatest struggle in my mental health recovery. I don’t fully accept that I have a mental illness, and I am always sabotaging my own progress. 😦 I mean always!
  • Educate yourself when your symptoms are stable. That way you can gather information on who you are, and that you are not your illness! We are people – not our disease. But we can learn about that part of ourselves when we are well.
  • Gather a support network. Not just groups, but people. People that know you, who understand you. People who will advocate for you in a way that works for you. This includes care providers, family, friends, and others who suffer. And yes, support groups are very helpful.
  • Make a list of things that give you joy, and do them. Art? writing? dancing? It doesn’t have to serve a particular purpose, other than to make you happy.
  • Maybe you find love in your work. Work is not necessarily paid-for employment. Maybe it’s helping others, or volunteering in some other way. Can you give someone rides to their appointments? Water their fish? Maybe you’d like to visit a nursing home with your dog or cat. There are actual programs for those who want to do pet therapy with their beloved animals. Animals have been known to help prolong life, lower blood pressure, relieve depression, and more.
  • Don’t go off your medications.
  • Don’t go off your medications. But if you’re determined, do it with medical supervision. Also, enlist a trusted friend or two to monitor your progress. They will tell you the truth, when no one else will.
  • Think of things that make you feel rich, and do them. I like to walk around taking photographs of flowers, snow, foliage, or other things in nature. Do you like to go to the beach, or to the forest? Collect things?
  • Make a short list of goals for yourself. I am finding it helpful to make a very small list of things to accomplish. We’re not talking twelve. By small I mean realistic and do-able. It may be as simple as taking a shower, or cooking breakfast. Maybe writing for fifteen minutes, or making a phone call.
  • Ask for help! That’s a category in itself. Take advantage of the days when you’re feeling well to practice this! It seems to be the hardest skill for us! And don’t feel you’re burdening someone when you ask for help. People have said they feel helpless when I’m having symptoms. It can be a great joy for them to bless you! Don’t you love it when you can bless someone? It can be something small, like running an errand, or even doing your dishes. Lord knows that even an empty sink can be a source of happiness when we’re depressed or overwhelmed.
  • How about having a support person go with you when you do something anxiety provoking? Maybe it’s going to therapy, or taking a walk. Some things are impossible, but possible with a friend.
  • Build a spiritual life, a spiritual practice. And notice that it says “practice.” It is a daily thing.
  • Write! Draw! Sing! or find some way to express your feelings and thoughts. Even if you keep the results to yourself, or throw them away, it’s healing to get them outside of your head. I used to spend many hours as a child expressing my sorrow in songs to the Lord. Just thinking of that makes me sad, but even the tears are healing, as in this scripture: “… [W]e know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” (Romans 8:26)
  • Make a safety plan specific to your own needs and symptoms. Keep it current as much as you can. Here is a template of one such safety plan (pdf).
  • Don’t be embarrassed when you need to have more intensive therapy. The hospital or day treatment program is just another tool. It is not a judgment.

Can you think of other ways to help yourself? Other thoughts about “Walking After Midnight”? I would love to write a part 2a, or a part 2b (or not 2b lol).

So. That is “Walking After Midnight,” Part II. Part III will follow, eventually. Maybe.  🙂

Walking After Midnight, Part I

Some of you may be wondering, what’s with that title, “Walking After Midnight”?

Well, there are two, maybe three, reasons behind it.

One reason is the most obvious to most of us of a certain age: The song “Walking After Midnight” by Patsy Cline:

I go out walking after midnight
Out in the moonlight just like we used to do
I’m always walking after midnight, searching for you

I walk for miles along the highway
Well, that’s just my way of saying, I love you
I’m always walking after midnight, searching for you

Ok, let’s just call this part one, lol… I’m too tired to finish! Any of you bloggers ever done that?

Tha-RILLED today… :)

Tha-RILLED today.

Now as I typed that, I had a picture of Jo Anne Worley

saying that in my head. Anyone remember her? Sign in please! I bet she would be thrilled to still be remembered. Anyway…

Tha-RILLED! Why?

Well, I set 5 goals for today, and, I achieved them. Got right up from my rump shaped seat and did ’em.

  1. Did the dishes.
  2. Took a shower.
  3. Wrote. Yes, technically had to return to my rump-shaped seat but you know what I mean…
  4. Did DBT homework.
  5. Talked to God

Now looking at that list, it doesn’t look like a whole heck of a lot. But let me show you the list had I not set goals.

1.

Yes, that’s right. None of those things would have gotten done. Sure I would have fed my face, peed (see a previous post), played on Facebook. But seriously, that’s all I would have accomplished.

I’m excited. I could do this every day. Maybe make a new program for myself entitled “set 5 goals.” Wouldn’t that be great?

So why don’t I just stop there?

Because in my mind, it’s never good enough. If I can accomplish 5 goals a day, why not make it 6? Or 10?

And you all know what comes next.

Ahhhh I can’t do it. Why try. I’m no good anyway. It won’t last. And on and on ad infinitum.

Now why do I do that to myself?

Why can’t I just be tha-RILLED for having a good day?

So, back up, Kat. Take a deep breath. Look at that pretty, empty sink. Look at that marvelous word count. Realize that every time you practice DBT you are building skills to help you have the nice, full, rich, delicious life that you deserve to have. Regardless of the fact that you’re 56 years old. Don’t go there. Just breathe, and appreciate.

How about a blogging party!

Hi friends!

My friend Lily has had a couple of blogging parties and it was so fun and interesting to read everyone’s posts! The good thing about a blogging party is that you can get the word out about your blog! And if you’re a new blogger, make sure you get out and go visiting the blogs that are posted here!

So the way you do it is to tell people what you blog about and leave your blog’s web address!

You guys are not mere numbers to me, I have come to know and enjoy so many of you! I hope to learn more as we “socialize.” Grab some cheese and crackers, no whine though… Soda’s in the cooler and there’s a great view from the balcony outside!

I’ll start us off, I’m Kathy and I write about being bipolar, being a Christian, and writing (I am working hard at becoming a novelist). I also write about random things like the weather, my favorite colors, and stress incontinence. Ok I just threw that in to throw you off, but I really have!

Ok, your turn! and make sure to check your blogging link to see if it works!

“What does the Bible say about Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression?

This post is quite good. It addresses the legitimate medical AND spiritual concerns that need to be addressed when helping a person who has bipolar illness. I agree with the Bible about sin and holiness. But the person with bipolar and other mental illnesses needs proper medical supervision and treatment. Going without that is extremely dangerous.

THE WALL: a blog of Baptist Voice Ministries

Note: as with many psychological issues, there are often both a physical and spiritual aspect of manic depression / bipolar disorder. While we believe psychologists often miss the true spiritual nature of the sickness, we strongly encourage anyone suffering with a mental illness to seek medical attention and counseling.

Answer:“Bipolar disorder” is a name that first appeared in 1957 for a severe mental illness. Before that, the same illness was called “manic depressive illness” or “manic depression,” though that name only dates back to 1921. Neither term appears in the Bible, but the Bible teaches us a number of lessons we can apply to bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder is a serious mental illness characterized by severe mood fluctuations. These fluctuations go far beyond simply being “happy” or “sad.” The “manic” symptoms can include feelings of extreme euphoria, marked increase in risk-taking, racing thoughts, forced speech, and increased energy. The…

View original post 444 more words

It’s A Title Wave!

Does anyone else find themselves thinking of clever blog post titles while using the bathroom?

Yeah I do too. Unfortunately, some of them are too long like:

“There’s a name for that: Stress Incontinence.”

And in the same vein: “There’s a Nap for that … ”

Ok, stress incontinence, since you asked:

Urinary incontinence is the unintentional loss of urine. Stress incontinence happens when physical movement or activity — such as coughing, sneezing, running or heavy lifting — puts pressure (stress) on your bladder. Stress incontinence is not related to psychological stress.

Stress incontinence differs from urge incontinence, which is the unintentional loss of urine caused by the bladder muscle contracting, usually associated with a sense of urgency. Stress incontinence is much more common in women than men [Is that fair??? – kb].

If you have stress incontinence, you may feel embarrassed, isolate yourself, or limit your work and social life, especially exercise and leisure activities. With treatment, you’ll likely be able to manage stress incontinence and improve your overall well-being. [Um, no kidding… ]

Ok, kids, carrion …

♪♫Doo bee dee bee teeeee!!! ♪♫

Not the greatest title, is it?

But it got your attention, because here you are, reading my post!

So. The title. Does this help? Doo bee D.B.T.

It refers to D.B.T., which stands for “D.ialectical B.ehavioral T.herapy:

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a research-based, cognitive-behavioral treatment originally developed by Marsha Linehan at the University of Washington, to help clients with the suicidal and self-harm behaviors often seen in Borderline Personality Disorder … DBT has since then been modified as a treatment for other complex and challenging mental disorders that involve emotional dysregulation. (from: http://mindfulnesstherapy.org/dbt/)

D.B.T. is not entirely new to me. I vaguely remember being in a DBT group about 5 years ago. I suppose if I’d had more presence of mind at the time it would have “taken” better, but I didn’t, and it didn’t. I’m not even sure I finished the course. Typically, a round of DBT requires about a year of group work and education.

That seems pretty overwhelming to me, even after all this time. But I’ve decided to try again. And here is where my AA training leaps to the rescue and reminds me:  “One Day At A Time, Sweet Jesus.” (ok, the “Sweet Jesus” comes from a great song, and was ad-libbed into the phrase; I need Him more than any of this!).

Why am I returning to DBT? Well, there have been times since attending the group the first time that my therapist has referred to a DBT skill. Almost every time, my response is, “Huh?” And I really think that reviewing all of the skills could be really useful. Having gone through a recent intensive program of recovery, I have decided that it is time.

I am disgusted with myself, honestly, that I have needed more help. But I forget one thing: the nature of my illness is that I have no control over it. I can advocate for myself, I can comply with treatment, and I can seek out what I need. But as to the underlying condition, I am not responsible. Shame has no place. I will say that again: shame has no place. For those of us with mental health issues, we must remember:

We have a mental illness. It is not our fault.

Fortunately, I have a really good therapist that I’ve had since ’03. I am also in a great DBT group now. Maybe next week I’ll do better with the homework.

And I believe that we are all doing the very best that we can.

That goes for me, too.

I’ll keep you posted!

♪♫ Fly me to da moon…

Let’s get it over with: Happy Monday. Ok, I said it. No explanation point. (Ha ha, I got cha there, didn’t I?) And no, I did not really mean it. (The happy Monday! Pay attention y’all!) Because hey, who really puts “happy” and “Monday” together? It was purely obligatory at best. You are paying attention aren’t you? I meant the Happy Monday!

Anyway, this morning I noticed myself kind of singing the song, “Fly Me To The Moon,” in my head (Frank Sinatra sings this best IMHO. I would post a link to a video but gee you guys are distractible).

I most often sing this song, alternating with “Smile, though your heart is aching …” as a distraction, when I am somewhere or doing something that I would rather not do or be. Most commonly this setting and situation would have been in the medication room by the butler with a knife.

URGH! You guys are driving me MAD!

Back to the whole point! Distraction! I would sing that song, “Fly Me To The Moon” whenever I did not want to be or do whatever it was I was being or doing. Not that “where I’m at” today is so horrible. Although, Monday would be right up there with horrible, I really don’t mind helping my friend, or doing the writing, it’s just that my Monday is not purely my Saturday today, and I don’t like that.

If all that makes sense to you, here’s a banana. You don’t need to listen to any more.

Er, not that the rest of you lot have to. Listen. Again, pay attention. Not that the rest of you have to listen. Except, by now, you are a captive audience due to the fact that my stellar writing has already reeeeled you in… muahhh haaa haaa…

HO-kay… where was I.

The explanation point (Heh):

Most times, my Monday is my Saturday. I make no appointments, have no obligations, really don’t even make myself get dressed, if I don’t want to.

Um, I rarely make myself get dressed most days but that is beside the point. Pyjaminators unite! Rawwrrr!

Gee I’m acting like it is my Saturday! The brain feels like it … tonk tonk …

So what do I have scheduled today that that has me in a state of upheaval?

Well, not much. I have an older friend who has to go to the doctor’s. And I have to make up some writing words, about 2000 today.

Now, notice, it’s not like I am straight out.

Nor do I resent my friend. I want to help her. She sounds torrible! When you can hear someone wheezing in church from one row up and one aisle over, they really need to be seen!

Ok, let’s be honest! It’s the words that I resent.

I don’ waaannna… Pffhh… surprise surprise.

Ok, let’s start visualizing. You finish the book. It is halfway decent (and I am pretty sure it would be, if I finished the dang thing!) You finish writing the book, and even editing it!

You send it off to an editor, a friend-of-a-successful-friend maybe even …

It gets published! and read by many many, who beg the publishing company for the next book in the series! Which is (theoretically) already written, edited, and ready for publication! (even more theoretically)

Mm hmm… (picture wry Madea-like look)

Ok, that’s not the look I was going for. Try this.

haha. That’s not the look either. Well, trust me, Madea gets skeptical. Okay?!

Now I am suitably distracted, even more so than I was by my mental “Fly me to the moon.”

And so – “Get to work, Kathleeeen…”

Off I go.

But first, breakfast. Ha ha ha!

I told you …

I said that when the crocuses appeared my depression would magically disappear. Well … here go.

I’m waiiiiting …

BY the way, I am very pleased that I am still working on my novel for Nano Camp and it’s going pretty well! Last night I did some prompts with a friend via some youtube videos put up by Nano Camp. Unfortunately, for the first prompt, I wound up coming up with the video for 2014, not 2015. Also, I heard the word “thoughts” when they said “box.” But the prompt caused me to have a very interesting conversation between my characters, so it’s all good. I would share it with you but I am bashful about sharing my work until I have a chance to pick it all to bits.

All in all, I am so happy with my progress. Happy that when I get behind, I don’t quit. Happy that when I don’t feel like writing, I do it anyway. It’s pretty cool how much writing you can produce when you write!

On that profound note, I bid you adieu as I go back to waiting for my depression to lift. 😀

♪♫ Where do I begin…

Ok how many of you remember that song?

♪♫Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start …

Ali MacGraw, Ryan O’Neal …

Do you remember weeping copiously throughout the movie?

Do you remember thinking, Love is like that, ahhhhggghhhh!

Yeah, 1970, and I was 11 years old? What was I doing watching a movie like that anyway?? It could only corrupt my already corrupted (based on my parents; based on my sister’s) idea of love!

What else? Andy Williams! (who sang the theme song) I LOVED Andy Williams!

Deep breath … ♪♫ Annnndyyyyy!!!!

(faints…)

Yeah I’m not crazy about him anymore, but I do remember feeling that way!

What else? She dies, you know. In case any of you have the audacity to want to watch the stupid movie…

On that note … the quickest blog post I have ever written.

(thank you Elephant in the Room for the writing prompt!)

♪♫ I need Thee every hour ♪♫

This is not going to be a preachy thing. I just want you to know that I do need God all the time! I may have my issues, but not with God. And “I need Thee every hour” is not just a song. I really do need Him.

Yet, I don’t always realize it. I step out in faith in myself – and I don’t always do so hot.

But when I lean on God, and pray that I will walk more closely with Him – when I remember to pray for my friends instead of just trying to help them all by myself – I am more sane. I am more free!

But when I forget to pray, or when I think it won’t really matter – when I forget to read the Bible and find the peace that comes from God – I’m a mess. Ok, I mean more of a mess that I already am, lol. I truly know that I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Jesus. He gives me pause. He gives me peace. He gave me eternal Life! Yes, as the scripture says, He gives me rest. Psalm 23 is not a funeral psalm. It’s a song for us, the living!

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

There are many verses that remind me of His peace. One of my favorites is Isaiah 26:3: Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

That’s not the only reference to peace in the Bible; there are 400 more, according to the concordance! And that is only regarding the word peace. I wonder how many more in regard to the concept of peace!

And why should I seek peace in the Bible?

Because the Bible is the living Word, not just a printed word! It has been my experience that when I seek God’s hand, or His peace, I can find it in His Word.

But doesn’t the devil hate when I do that! Doesn’t he distract me and whisper at me that there are other, more important things to do.

But as a child of God – I have every right to hear from Him! Personally!

Ok, I said I would not preach. I lied. I didn’t mean to lie, but I lied. Forgive me.

Anyway – here are the lyrics to the song, and below that, a you tube video of the song, done by Fernando Ortego. If you continue to listen, there are many other songs that follow. More peace!

1. I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
no tender voice like thine can peace afford.
Refrain:
I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

2. I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.
(Refrain)

3. I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
come quickly and abide, or life is vain.
(Refrain)

4. I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;
and thy rich promises in me fulfill.
(Refrain)

5. I need thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.
(Refrain)

The song is based upon Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

and 1 Thessalonians 5:17 Pray without ceasing.

Something which I sometimes have a habit of doing, but it is so easy to get out of that. Like I said, to lean only upon myself.

Doesn’t work.

(If you would like more history behind the song, go to: http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/i/n/e/ineedteh.htm … )

Spa-RINT! (National Novel Writing Camp)

Ok, here it is Saturday the 11th of April, somewhat sortof halfway through Nano Camp.

As many of you know Nano camp is related to National Novel Writing Month which takes place in November. November’s goal is to write 50,000 words, along with some 18 billion other novelists … ok I exaggerate but I am too lazy to look up the actual number of participants. It’s a lot, ok?

ANYway – this is the April 2015 Nano Camp, and I am in a virtual “cabin” with ten other like-minded individuals. My goal is to write 25,000 words in the 30 days, but anyone can set whatever goal they wish. I am finally caught up and even 100 words over my 833 word a day limit. I’m at 9268 words! (20,705 words total if you add the words I’d already written) Can I hear a wahoo? I also wanted to work on editing the present work but that bogs me down so much and I don’t make any progress toward “finishing” the book. So I am just focusing on the word count for now.

It’s going pretty well. I’ve never written a historical Christian novel before; it’s always been contemporary. But what I like to read are the historical ones. So why not try something I really like?

I’d like to thank the academy … hey, who do we thank when we write prize winning novels? Oh yeah, I’d like to thank my dog … wait. I don’t have a dog! (shaking my head) – well I’d like to thank my friends who like to read my drivel and who cheer me on, unconsciously or not.

So what are you all up to on a Saturday night? I think I am going to do another sprint   😀 (A sprint is where you set the clock, my friends and I like to do 15 minutes, and you write at breakneck speed until someone says to stop!)

Fiddling with my whoosiewhatses

First off, as I keep telling you, I love you guys, my blogging friends!: My readers, and those I read. I truly do. But I am not getting anything done here, and I may as well eliminate one of my excuses right now, so that I can move on to a newer, or truer, one.

I have almost 250 followers, hallelujah! And I have a policy of following those who follow me. I try to follow those who “like” me. Who comment on me. Who even blink at me. It’s only fair.

Soooo when I open my gmail I am amazed/happy/overwhelmed. And I open my gmail many times a day.

Before you jump up and say it let me tell you that I just did what most of you were going to say: I changed the notification whoosiewhatses on my reader.

So, from now on, I will go to my dashboard, go to my reader, and read.

(Sounds good, anyway).

At least that way my email account will be less intimidating!

I really want to follow/read every single one of you! Every time you post! I do! But for now I will have to just do what I can.

Your mission, then, is to jostle your way into the proper position, so that you are within reach before I open my reader, and before the clock says “STOP! You have this, this, this, and this to accomplish before you finish your day!”

Namely:

  1. Read and study the Bible
  2. Pray
  3. Restore/maintain some kind of order in your, I mean my, apartment.
  4. Which should maybe be 3: WRITE at least 1000 words or EDIT at least 2000 words or EVEN both.
  5. Which means I need to get organized and USE the spreadsheet one of my writer friends sent me that will help me to do so.
  6. I am sure there is something else I am forgetting, well, I suppose, my other “work,” my hygienic pursuits, maintain my IRL friendships, oh you know… the other not so important stuff.
  7. Am I through yet? I’ve got to pee.

Um, yeah. That is a lot more “thises” than I listed; sorry.

Anyway. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I really have gotten disorganized since I started blogging, and I need to get back into life! As June Allyson would say…

And hey! You all need to too! So don’t you be pointing no finners at me! After all, if I was writing as much as I was apposed to, I wouldn’t be talking dis … er, this way!

Trial and Terror

I was just scrolling through some blogs, and one of them was entitled “Trial and Error.” As I often do, I read something that wasn’t there. I thought it said, “Trial and Terror.” I thought, that’s a good title for a blog.

One of the things that is hard to do is try something brand new. What if I fail? What if I drop it? What if it bites me? You know, all the normal fears.

Another thing that is hard to do is to try something the second time. If it was successful the first time, I might ask, what if I fail this time? What if I drop it? Well, you see where I’m going here.

And what about something you really messed up the first, second, ninth, and twenty-seventh time? Here I am talking about jobs I have had. Oh Lord. So many times, so little time … it makes me want to cry when I think about my resume.

And here I am, at the precipice of trying to figure out, what now? Work? Volunteer? Or just trust that at some point in my life I really am going to get serious about writing that novel, and editing the other ones.

Yeah right.

It really hurts to fail over and over and over and over and … really that is why “Trial and Terror” is a good title.

But there is a dream. There is a place for me. I truly believe that God has allowed me to have bipolar so that I can help other people who suffer. Maybe one-on-one I always mess up with the boundaries. I think that writing is one way I can do it. I think about trying to run a group but I don’t know. It seems like I don’t stay well enough for long enough. It frustrates me!

Anyway I got distracted lol… but I do know that we have no choice but to keep trying, over and over again.

There is also the alternative meaning of trial. And if you are like me, you always feel like you are on trial. Being watched, and judged, and coming up short.

Not interested. In the least. If that’s what it’s about with somebody, then I need to walk away. I judge myself E-NOUGH.

So anyway, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Thou shalt entertain thyself

I’m reading this blog and it goes like in this direction, and I’m like, uh huh.

And then it goes in that direction and I’m like, yah.

Then it goes in another direction and i”m like, huh, what?

And then! in yet another direction!

And I’m like, uh, I’m not really following you…

And then the light bulb goes off.

“I’m not really following you.” as in blog post? As in follow?

Ok well I guess you just had to be there.

Hope you had a nice Easter!   🙂

He’s Alive!

If this doesn’t move your heart, I don’t know why! He’s alive! by Don Francisco. Happy Easter! Love and Forgiveness from Our Lord!

Light & life

Back when I worked at the pregnancy center, I used to plan and produce an annual Coffee House as a way of raising community awareness as well as some badly needed funds.  This is me and a guy named Lloyd working out last minute projection glitches:

I loved that blazer, I wonder what I did with it... I loved that blazer, wonder what I did with it…

Every year five performers, or groups of performers, would donate their time and talent and each play a 20 minute set.  They were all wonderful.  It was at the very first Coffee House that I was introduced to the music of Don Francisco and to the song He’s Alive.   It blew me away.  The man who performed it sang with a rich, smooth, amazing, powerful voice while playing his twelve string guitar.  As people were leaving at the end of the evening some of them asked me if he was Don Francisco.  Once I heard Don Francisco I…

View original post 38 more words

If You’re Single and You Know it Clap Your Hands

Actually, the original title was, “Don’t read it, don’t read it, nope nope…” Referring to a post I started to read. When it says “Sex” in the subject line it is probably best for me not to read it. I started to but then I realized … nope nope, don’t go there, lol.

But it’s not just sex. Another recent post talked about a wedding and it “played” a song called “You and Me.” Ahhgh, nope, don’t play that song, nope nope. Whoops, too late, I already did.

So what’s a 56 year old chubby girl doing writing about sex and romance?

Well the truth is I ain’t done yet, and from what the experts say, we never are. And what is the area of life where I have had the most trouble? Relationships.

So I have to be careful where I put my foot down, and what I set before my eyes. The Bible tells me that and it’s been right so far! I would rather be alone, than to do it wrong, again.

So – the proverbial question is – do you have a brother? Or even a father, or uncle, or neighbor. One who will treat me well and wait til I’m wearing his ring? One who still believes in romance and roses and burnt chicken dinners being as romantic as KFC? (They don’t all burn but sometimes …)

One who wants to follow God of course. But YES< has a great sense of humor and fun! Because I do!

Have heart, will travel.

What’s you guys’ idea of romance? or how did you meet?

Day 2 of Nano Camp

Day 2 of NanoCamp means I should have (according to my self-selected goal) reached about 1600 words so far toward my novel but combined with words in my blog posts. Well guess what? I am writing a few words for you tonight because I haven’t written any in my novel.

That is supposedly ok, I was told it was ok, and I thought it was ok, so it’s ok.

But tomorrow, after I finish my outpatient mental health treatment program, I will get at my novel, I promise (who am I promising? Myself, I guess).

I have been thinking more about not being able to talk about my mental health issues, especially at church. Tonight we had one of many missionaries we have had this year. This one was a missionary to the Navajo Indians. It seemed really incongruent, though I believe we all need Christ. But I am also thinking of all that has been stolen from the Indians; I’m sure they are not too keen on having their religion stolen as well. At least, that might be how they see it.

And then I started thinking about my own situation. But it’s not just mine. It’s yours. It’s your cousin’s. So many of us have mental illness, and spirituality is maybe one piece that is missing.

And so, I want to learn more. I want to learn more about how to help people with mental illness. I have been blessed with a lot of good health, though I have also suffered relapse. Why shouldn’t I share my experience, strength, and hope with those who are still suffering?

I know that sounds rather AA’esque. That’s ok. A lot of the same principles can apply. So can principles of Christianity. I believe Jesus loves each and every person who has a mental health issue. Why not offer Him to others? And so it dawned on me. I’ve always wanted to be a missionary to other countries. Why not to my own? The land of mental illness. The land of stigma. The land of alone-ness, fear, and rejection?

I guess while I am fighting for what I need, I want to help others to fight for what they need, too.

So anyway, along with the Great American Christian Novel, I want to be a help to those I love; those like me; those who need a hug, or an understanding gaze.

Anyone else on board?

YOU’RE a nurse … can you tell me …?

First off, I want to tell you bloggers, the ones I follow, that I love love love you! You make me laugh, think, cringe, and altogether be entertained and informed. Thank you and please keep writing!

Second of all – I was reminded yesterday of something that makes me cringe, awfully.

It’s when someone discovers that I’m a nurse.

They quickly get this gleam in their eye and I swear they make stuff up!

“Hey, will you look at this bump I have in my left armpit/groin/on my buttock?”

Or, even more terror invoking: “I/My aunt/My mother has been suffering this cough/rash/these symptoms …

Now I was a competent nurse in my day. I say “in my day” because I imposed an early retirement upon myself after my last manic episode resulted in my taking care of patients, not knowing I was in a dangerous state of mind. If I didn’t know something, I’d look it up, or consult someone. That’s a sign of genius I think – to know that you don’t know.

Anyway, I knew what I was doing 95% of the time, and I gave good care.

But inevitably, when someone asks me an opinion, it is not my area.

I worked in a lot of fields of nursing.

But not pediatrics. Not clinic nursing. Not maternity. And not “will you look at this thing I have?”

Not rashes.

And not the thing you have decided to ask me out of the blue.

Hence, the terror.

This is why I usually don’t tell people I’m a nurse. People assume I am a library of knowledge.

And it’s just not so.

I have my area of expertise but it’s never what you actually ask me.

So stop it!