I was just scrolling through some blogs, and one of them was entitled “Trial and Error.” As I often do, I read something that wasn’t there. I thought it said, “Trial and Terror.” I thought, that’s a good title for a blog.
One of the things that is hard to do is try something brand new. What if I fail? What if I drop it? What if it bites me? You know, all the normal fears.
Another thing that is hard to do is to try something the second time. If it was successful the first time, I might ask, what if I fail this time? What if I drop it? Well, you see where I’m going here.
And what about something you really messed up the first, second, ninth, and twenty-seventh time? Here I am talking about jobs I have had. Oh Lord. So many times, so little time … it makes me want to cry when I think about my resume.
And here I am, at the precipice of trying to figure out, what now? Work? Volunteer? Or just trust that at some point in my life I really am going to get serious about writing that novel, and editing the other ones.
It really hurts to fail over and over and over and over and … really that is why “Trial and Terror” is a good title.
But there is a dream. There is a place for me. I truly believe that God has allowed me to have bipolar so that I can help other people who suffer. Maybe one-on-one I always mess up with the boundaries. I think that writing is one way I can do it. I think about trying to run a group but I don’t know. It seems like I don’t stay well enough for long enough. It frustrates me!
Anyway I got distracted lol… but I do know that we have no choice but to keep trying, over and over again.
There is also the alternative meaning of trial. And if you are like me, you always feel like you are on trial. Being watched, and judged, and coming up short.
Not interested. In the least. If that’s what it’s about with somebody, then I need to walk away. I judge myself E-NOUGH.
So anyway, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.