Monthly Archives: May 2015

Just so’s you know…

I am doing a lot better today! It is a little miracle. I’ll take it!

Yesterday I felt so anxious and overwhelmed, hypomanic, and scared!

Today I feel normal. I went to an AA meeting, went for a walk (it was beautiful out!), and now I’m home. Eating a good lunch, gonna do dishes, then I have church (prayer meeting) tonight.

No panic, a little anxiety, no hypomania. Thank You God! I had a lot of people praying for me and I truly believe that helps!

Thanks all for listening to me yesterday! I will keep you posted.

♪♫ Hi Anxiety

For the past week, I have been experiencing a feeling of being chased. You know, that heart-in-your-throat, can’t-get-away kind of feeling that is sometimes associated with anxiety.

After that? I started having difficulty abstaining from a number of behaviors that I avoid very easily as a Christian, but not so much as someone whose medications are out of whack. Swearing, impatience, starting and not finishing blog entries … stuff like that. Oh, and barely refraining from throwing one’s phone through one’s television. Fantasizing about imbibing certain anesthetizing fluids and acting out shamelessly. Wanting to jump into my car right after payday, because, after all, I’m totally messing up, so why shouldn’t I? To go cross country and get all the bad behavior over with, because there’s no point trying to restrain myself. That, my dears, is hypomania.

It is the state of mind in which one knows better than to attempt installing one’s printer, if one wants not to destroy it, or to become totally undone. Just yesterday I was trying to synch my “my fitness pal” to my “map my walk,” and between my phone and my computer, I just about imploded. I did have an incredible melt down, the likes of which I have been working toward all week, all month, maybe all year. Honestly! Why can’t the… ok we won’t go there…

So I had a call in to my doctor’s nurse yesterday, and she called me back. Late, I might add. But I had forgotten to turn my ringer on. By the time I realized she had called, she was already leaving a message.

That’s one thing cell phones lack, that regular phones with answering machines don’t. A regular phone could be snatched up mid-message with an awkward “Hello? Hello?” But at least you could catch the person who was calling. With cell phones, you end up playing telephone tag for hours, sometimes days, and most times they call you back when they’re darn good and ready. See? “Darn.” I have a little self control.

But back to the phone call. That was about the time the phone almost lost its life. But of course, when I realized I could not throw it and get away with it, and there wasn’t a punching bag or a human nearby, yeah…  Instead of being angry, I dissolved into tears.

So then I couldn’t immediately call her back. It was pointless to even try. It’s very hard to convey one’s feelings and needs when one is sobbing. Well, on second thought, I could have communicated quite a lot that way, but not what I wanted to. After all, I do have a little self respect.

So today, I believe it was even before I opened my eyes, I was thinking the F word, which then caused me to start crying. Oh, it’s gonna be a fabulous day, I thought. I’m sorry, God, and please help me.

And then I started flagellating myself for saying sorry all the time but not changing anything. Yah. That kind of day.

One verse in the Bible says that out of the heart the mouth speaks. So this whole thing makes me feel like so much less of a Christian. I’m not even telling you about how I was trying not to shake the walls of the apartments on other side of mine with my hollering. Add consideration to self respect. I reeeeally am trying not to lose it.

For those of you who then want to say “Such thoughts, such speech and behavior would not occur to someone who truly knows and loves the Lord.” Well I’m glad it’s like that for you, truly. And maybe I’m not a Christian. Maybe I am just faking it. Putting on a big front. I guess I could use prayer instead of your judgment.

Oh, the joys of hypomania. I would love to take full advantage, and start cleaning my place, and doing whatever else needs doing, but I seem to have bypassed that stage of efficiency entirely, and progressed to the stage of irritability and ineptitude, and the unable-to-do-a-thing-right stage. Ohhhkay, see that run on sentence? Another symptom of hypomania. When it gets real bad, I don’t even use commas.

Anyway, had I not bypassed that efficiency stage, I’d be having this conversation with you in an apartment that was minus the dirty dishes and bags full of laundry. It would be pristine, sparkling. And I’d be a little less unhappy about this whole thing.

So there you have it. This is the quandary of the Christian who has bipolar disorder. Oh yes, the manic aspect and the depressive aspect are equally self-condemning, never mind concerning what other Christians might think. Is it any wonder that we hide ourselves from those Christians who don’t understand?

And yes I am tersely speaking with as much clarity and control as I possibly can. Who wouldn’t when other words want to fly out of one’s fingers?

So pray for me. Pray for proper medication management, and that I cause as little damage to myself and others, and things, as possible. In the meantime, I am fantasizing about being admitted to the hospital. Or of having it suggested to me, and replying with a long string of obscenities.

♪♫ Hi Anxiety …

Cut to the chase – How to block someone on WordPress

I know your parents never told you, but in life, not everyone will like you. And you can invite obnoxious comments on your page. Whether it’s because you are too good, or maybe you just rub that person the wrong way, it doesn’t matter. Maybe, God forbid, you are being bad! But regardless, you don’t deserve abuse. By the way, that doesn’t apply to me here, as yet. Everyone has been very considerate, even when they didn’t agree. Thank you readers!

Fortunately, when you aren’t able to reason with someone commenting on your page, you can block them. Not only from responding anymore, but from seeing your page at all!

Oh, oops, that’s another site, not WordPress

Here, you can’t block someone from seeing your page. But you can do something about their comments. See:

https://en.forums.wordpress.com/topic/how-to-block-someone?replies=6

Please, valiant friend who is singlehandedly duking it out, but who has no private contact information, please take heed. I really hate the sight of blood.

And for the rest of you, sock this away for future reference.

Great Expectations?

Happy Sunday!

I came across a quote this morning that I really liked:

“Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows.”

– Michael Landon 

I like that quote, don’t you?

Speaking of “do it now,” my bucket list is real simple: Get through the day, and go to Paris. That’s not asking much, right?

This morning as I was cooking up some scrambled eggs, I noticed that I was also cooking the lid of the plastic (!!!) container I use for butter!

Sadness! Quickly I grabbed the lid and moved the pan of eggs, then checked to see if any of the melted plastic had adhered to the pan.

Nope. Thank You God! Yes, that was a prayer of thanksgiving, because, had it melted onto the pan, I’d have been more sad. 😦

The lid of the butter thing was quickly repaired (the hole covered with a piece of shipping tape), and put back in the fridge. I did not say it was well repaired. Just repaired. Anyway …

I also want to share another thought I read this morning from La vie est trop courte pour boire du mauvais vin

Noooo I have not taken up drinking wine, but I do like reading the different accounts of his travels, and looking at his photos.

His quote today:

It doesn’t matter how tatty your wings are… If you can fly… FLY!

The word “tatty” makes me think of the word “tattered,” or “damaged.” Check out the page and you’ll see the tattered butterfly that goes with the quote. Funnily enough, there is a French phrase, “Quelle dommage,” which sounds like the word “damage,” and can mean “What a shame!” or “What a pity!” But way down on the list of translations is the phrase, “How damaged!” So, let’s say that it means that… ok? And let’s fly!

Don’t mind me. It’s morning, which means, before noon, which means (speaking of flying) flight of ideas! It means you’ve got to expect a little less. Not only is it morning! Worse, it’s before 7 a.m! So you really need to expect less!

So, let’s fly! We may have tattered wings, as in the photo, but we can fly!

(Looks at the clock). No, really, let’s fly! It’s time for church!

(Flies off, flapping wings …)

* Michael Landon quote from Ritu at BUT I SMILE ANYWAY — Thank you Ritu!]

One more thing!

Grr! One more thing and I’m just gonna lose it! Jesus, Your Word says to cast my burdens at Your feet? Well, I’m casting them! Here ya go! Take them!

I watch as You pick them up carefully. “Ok, Kat,” You say. “Just remember. These are Mine, not yours. You gave them to Me, and you can’t have them back. Not unless I give them to you.”

How could this be, Lord? Shouldn’t I be able to handle them? These things I’m trying to do? Those people who need my help? But they’re so heavy on my shoulders, my neck! Ugh, what do I do?

“Keep putting them at my feet,” You say, “and all those things you have to do. I’ll carry them for you. I’ll tell you when to help Me. But you must give them to me first.”

And what about my mind, Lord! It’s making me crazy! First I think I’m fine, and then I’m not! What am I supposed to do?

“Place it all at My feet.”

But Lord, I can’t even do that! I get out of bed and my mind is already racing!

“Put everything at my feet. And spend a little time with Me.”

How, Lord? And how can You love me? I’m a mess.

“I love that mess. Now come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

That’s all I want, Lord.

“I know. So be still, and know that I am God. Cast your cares upon me, Kat, for I care for you.”

That’s all I want. Lord. But I’m supposed to be more like You, not this train wreck. And if I’m supposed to be like You, doesn’t that mean I need to give? I feel so overwhelmed. But how can I say no to those who need me?

“Even Moses had to learn say no. Remember, I was here for a specific purpose. I said, “I must work the works of him that sent me.” Why did God send you, Kat? So read My Word. Be still. And most of all, cast your care upon Me.”

“And while you’re at it, Kat, cast My care upon Me, too.”

References: Matthew 11:28, Psalm 46:10, 1 Peter 5:7, John 9:4

The Armor of God

I plan to follow this series about the armour of God. Why don’t you consider following Wally, and study more about Ephesians 6?

Truth in Palmyra

As you all know, on Saturday mornings I usually recap a devotional series from previous Daily Devotions. This morning’s will be a recap of the series I did on The Armor of God. This will be a two part recap, so stay tuned next week for the conclusion. Enjoy!


 Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having…

View original post 1,678 more words

Mercy and Redemption: Secret Santa Blog Day


I have not set down and written consistently on the blog in sometime. For this forgive me if I left some of you wondering. The Lord had me going in other directions. I try never to write to my readers unless God has specifically laid something on my heart. Usually that something is for me and I in turn share with you my good friends.

When Paul posted the opportunity to be a part of the Secret Santa posts on others blogs. I felt compelled to write. It was a opportunity to reach a wider audience. Thank you, Paul for being obedient. I would like to ask the Lord to be with me as I write this article on mercy and redemption. I also would like to thank the folks that created spell checker – it saves me!  Without it no one would be able to read my ramblings.

When I think about mercy I think about something that I want to be given to me when I need it but at times I find it hard to give back to others. I am being honest here, don’t anyone go super religious on me. After a while the Lord is Abel to persuade me to give mercy to others, he reminds me that He has given it to me. I think it is important to take notice that initially though I do not always give mercy.

I believe this comes about because I have not come into my fullness in Christ as of yet, that and the natural sin in the fallen world of which I am a part of. Most of us are just a tad bit slow to give mercy when someone or something offends us.

What about the wife or husband, maybe a neighbor that is always turning everything upside down. Oh!  Let’s not even mention the good Christians at our church that constantly offend us.

Pastors being offended because of the saints that are a real deal and saints that are offended because the pastor did not say hello to me. Sound familiar? The truth is that I could honestly write a book on the lack of mercy given to one another in this world today.

There is another image that comes to my mind when I think of mercy. That is the image of Christ. To me Christ is mercy complete. Where would Israel be if God had showed no mercy?

See a picture of God coming down off Mount Sinai and finding Israel building golden calves. God told Moses to leave him alone he was going to wipe these stubborn people out. If Moses had not interceded for these three million people it would have been over for them. Moses prayers and intercession on their behalf led God to have mercy on them.

It is good for Christians to strive towards being as Christlike as they possibly can. If Jesus had not died on the cross where would mercy be? If we had no one to intercede for us where would mercy be?  In order for us to be merciful we must first love.

I believe God has always loved mankind and desires a relationship with them all. This is why he showed mercy so many times since the beginning of creation. Why his son died for us mercy.

You may be a pastor of a church or an intercessor or a parent. Nevertheless, whatever you are praying for, you must have this attitude: “Lord, I am not letting You alone concerning this people.”

Never pray for judgment or wrath; always pray for mercy. Agree with God that wrath is justified because of man’s sin, yet plead with God for mercy to come. Such is the heart that brings heaven to earth and fulfilment to promises.

Read in awe the result of Moses’ intercession: “So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people” (Exod. 32:14).

If we have a grudge or hard heart towards someone and we do not ask forgiveness or try to restore that relationship. Have we shown mercy?  You see – the real truth is we hold in our own hands the power to give life literally or take it away.

We can choose to restore or tear down. God calls it murder when we refuse mercy to others. We ruin their quality of life. You might say that’s a little far-fetched.  Really?

Let’s say someone is gossiping about you because of something you said to offend them. Spreading rumors and lies about you. Would you be angry?  Well with that comes bitterness and judgment. I wonder then if that might just cause the quality of life that Jesus had intended for you to cease to be. In essence. “murder” – and God does not take this lightly.

Remember God is in the restoration frame of mind.

We can and must be a Christlike image as much as spiritually possible. If we walk in the spirit with God then he will cause us to be Christlike. Yes, we will make mistakes and not always do what’s right.

We will however have the chance to show mercy and cause restoration.

With mercy and restoration comes a redemptive power of love. It will unite us where lack of mercy will divide us. This is exactly who God the father His son Jesus and the Holy Spirit are: Love, Mercy and Restoration. Redeeming and uniting mankind for eternity.

Please be encouraged dear readers. I know for a fact, that in spite of what we feel see or hear, Jesus has already redeemed mankind. We just have to belief this and trust The Holy Spirit to lead us down the right road in life. Putting one foot in front of the other and daily trusting him to see us home. The work has been done.

Let’s not tear it down but build it up. Let’s pray and intercede for those that offend us and are lost. Remember they may not know Jesus. We don’t know what’s going on in their life right now. If you do get upset and decide to hold a grudge or show no mercy, please remember Jesus and set it right quickly so you can be restored as well as the other.

You will feel better and so will they.
This will create joy, joy, joy!

If I Should Wake Before I Die

Yes, that title is a bit morbid. But look at it again. It’s not the children’s prayer that says “If I should die before I wake.” This says I have to wake before I die. It’s about living with depression. And how, for most of us, living longer is not necessarily our lifelong goal.

Over the course of my life, I have not been too keen on living for a long time. I don’t mean that I walk in front of trucks, or take drugs to rot my liver on purpose, or anything like that. I just mean, you know, the whole increase the number of days you live your life thing. Add 10 or 20 years to my life? Why? So I can live in a nursing home for twenty years? So I can continue to fight depression every day? Hand me that ice cream cone.

Yes, I quit smoking. The impetus? A radiologist found emphysema on my x-ray. I decided I’d rather breathe.

Yes, I quit drinking. It caused me more problems than it solved, and it made me suicidal. I decided that if I was going to walk that close to the line, and still live, I’d just as soon get rid of it.

Yes, I quit chasing boys. But that was not really voluntary. They stopped chasing me. It’s a good thing, though, as Martha Stewart would say. They weren’t as much fun as they looked.

Now here we are, once again, at the whole diet-and-exercise impasse.

How. Many. Times.

I have lost weight, re-gained it, been a fitness nut, given up sugar and flour, done the whole OA and FA thang, I’ve gotten jiggle with it, the whole nine yards. No that’s not a typo. I jiggle! And I’m NOT INTERESTED. Just hand me the Twinkie and nobody dies.

But I have to admit, after reading a letter from a doctor recently, seeing the words “may become pre-cancerous” made my stomach lurch.

And that’s crazy. Number one, I have had pre-cancerous cells elsewhere before, and there’s lots of cancer in my family. I’m not worried. We all gotta go sometime, right?

Number two, there is no number two.

But maybe it’s the where that is bothering me.

This is in my esophagus, and the worst death I ever witnessed as a nurse was when my patient died from esophageal cancer.

So, let’s go there. Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease, also referred to as G.E.R.D., refers to the reflux, or regurgitation, of stomach contents into the esophagus. I’ve had that for a number of years. I’ve been on a whole slew of medications to treat it, and have currently been on Nexium 40 mg daily for about 2 years.

Recently, though, it had stopped working. So I was re-experiencing that back wash, shall we call it, in the middle of the night. Plus, I’d had laryngitis without any respiratory symptoms for about 14 weeks. So I asked my doctor for an endoscopy, a test whereby a scope goes over the river and through the mouth, down the esophagus, and into the stomach. (Some of you may recall that I was supposed to have the colonoscopy as well, but it was deferred). In the meanwhile, she increased my Nexium, and encouraged me to follow through with putting the head of my bed up.

Well, lo and behold, and of no surprise to me, the doctor who did the endoscopy found a small hiatal hernia. WebMD says: “Any time an internal body part pushes into an area where it doesn’t belong, it’s called a hernia. The hiatus is an opening in the diaphragm – the muscular wall separating the chest cavity from the abdomen. Normally, the esophagus (food pipe) goes through the hiatus and attaches to the stomach. In a hiatal hernia (also called hiatus hernia), the stomach bulges up into the chest through that opening… Some doctors believe a hiatal hernia may weaken the [lower esophageal sphincter] and increase the risk for gastroesophageal reflux.”

Clear as mud? You can read more about it here.

So. Here I am with this reflux thing, and now a hiatal hernia, that’s fine, I still just have to be careful what I eat, when. Right?

Then I got the letter, on Saturday. The letter said that the “routine biopsies” they had done showed Barrett’s Esophagus, which is “a change in the tissue of the esophagus that occurs due to exposure to acid reflux over many years. In most people, Barrett’s esophagus will never evolve into anything of concern. In a small proportion of people, however, this tissue can transform into a pre-cancerous state.”

According to several resources, this esophageal tissue can then become more like the tissue of the small intestine than that of the esophagus. So it is more than just irritated. It is physically changed. Isn’t that what cancer is? When normal cells undergo a physical change? So it makes sense, then, that this tissue can become pre-cancerous.

credit: Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.

Immediately I flash back to my esophageal cancer patient. She is bleeding profusely from her mouth and throat. She gulps for air, but breathes in copious amounts of blood. She is medicated for pain and anxiety, but there is nothing to insulate her from reality. And there is nothing for her poor husband as he watches helplessly. He will not leave the room. And he will never forget what he has seen.

And here I am, making something so horrible all about me. I am sorry. It was not about me at the time. It was all about her then, trust me. I felt so helpless to do anything for her! It broke my heart!

But now I am at a point where I have to make a decision. And normally I might just shrug and wait until things get more serious, and then decide.

Before now, when I tried to lose the weight, I would tell myself different things to motivate myself. Like, If you lose it, you will breathe easier. You will look better in your clothes. It will be a good witness to others that you have the Lord in your life. You are supposed to be a good steward of what God has given you, and that includes your body. I’ve tried all these rationales to get myself to stop overeating, and stop eating foods that are bad for me. My cholesterol is already too high. My blood pressure, too. Apparently that’s not enough to motivate me, either. And I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

Even now I am bargaining: “Let me eat ‘this’ for a little longer.” Or, “‘that’ doesn’t bother me if I don’t eat it too late.”

Then there’s the deal-breaker: Coffee.

NOOOooooooo! Please don’t take my coffee!!!

As to how? God has already provided some of the means. I have a friend who is working on her own weight loss, and she is taking part in a medical program consisting of dieticians, medical monitoring, and exercise. She is more than willing to help me do this, and has built-in support people who will also help me. She also works in a gastrointestinal physician’s office, and knows how to help my primary care doctor to write a referral. Couldn’t be more perfect.

But God has to be part of the equation.

And that is where you all come in. I covet your prayers for me to be motivated, to have the right motivation, and to do this right.

No sweat, right?

Oh dang. I have to do that, too?

Of Blog Tours and More, Part II

This is the blog tour referred to in my re-blog yesterday. I’d love to invite you to join my blog tour which is going to be the grandest event, coming to your town, this May/June! So gear up, people! I’m looking for 4 or 5 of you to join, so let me know! Feel free to email me at kbailey374@gmail.com if you would prefer!
Please don’t be shy or think you’re not good enough! You are, trust me! If you’re not technically a “writer,” that’s fine too; you’re a blogger! Own it! This is a great way to get your blog known and also to help your friends’ blogs to get out there!
I want to thank Theya Catalan of A Caffeinated Blog for inviting me to join her on this blog tour!
Let’s start with the Rules: Pass the tour on up to four of your own bloggers. Give them the rules and a specific Monday to post (although that is open, as long as you finish by the end of June). Answer the four questions below about your creative process, that lets other bloggers and visitors know what inspires you to do what you do. Compose a one-time post on a specific Monday. Again, I am not too worried about the “when.” Just make sure that everybody links back to me, so I can read everyone’s blogs!
1. What am I working on at the moment?
I am working on a Christian historical novel, set in Portland Maine in the 1850’s. Twenty year old Bridget Purcell hops on a train to go cross country from Oregon to take care of her aunt, who has broken a leg and is bedridden – and very demanding! But Bridget has a kind and patient demeanor and gets along with almost anyone – so she thinks. On the train she meets Josiah and Thomas, who also live in Portland. Josiah is an architect who is most awkward and annoying, and Thomas is an inventor who hopes to work for Josiah’s boss.
2. How does my work differ from others in my genre?
I’m hoping that this book will be exciting as well as informative. It’s been fun to write so far and I’ve already learned a lot, myself. My characters have surprised me more than once! It is a Christian novel, but it’s not preachy – just clean and entertaining!

Christian historical is also not my only genre. My first two books are contemporary. Stay tuned for more information!
3. How does my writing and creative process work?
I find that I do well having friendships with other writers who have various levels of expertise as writers, both beginners and experienced, published writers. We compare techniques with one another and cheer one another on. Sometimes we just chat and relax in between chapters. We even set the timer sometimes and do word sprints, and you’d be surprised what comes out when you are not trying to be “great!” Sometimes the creative part of me just wants to let loose!
I can write at any time of the day, but I need plenty of coffee on board! I also do better if I don’t give away too much of the story before it is polished and pretty, and pretty much ready to roll.
My writing used to be quite autobiographical. Now it has just a few personal touches that make me giggle, as if I have a secret.

.
4. Why do I write?
From the time I could read, I wanted to write. As a child I kept journals, and when I couldn’t find the words, I would draw. I made little books of stories and gave them to my mother. I wrote poetry full of angst and pain when I was much younger. Now I just like to develop characters who live unique lives and situations; they become real to me, and, I hope, will become real to you as well.
Writing is definitely an escape, a wonderful visitation with other worlds and different lives. It is a way to travel and dream, all without leaving my house!
Now, I’d like to nominate following fellow bloggers:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Ah, this is where you come in. If you wish to participate, and I hope that you do, please answer the 4 questions listed above that I’ve answered. You can also add answers to your own questions if you wish!
Please let me know if you’d like to “play!”

Of Blog Tours And More

I am interested in participating in the blog tour as described here. Please take a look, and if you are interested in participating, please let me know! I would like to narrow it down to five blogs, so get your dibs in early! I will be filling in the questions you see here very soon (one of those “to do” blog posts on my list, lol)

A CAFFEINATED BLOG

It seems like I’ve had the busiest week! Phew! Now that there’s a moment of respite, I’d love to invite you all to join my blog tour which is going to be the grandest event, coming to your town, this May! So gear up, people… Okay, let’s get serious. I had been kidding all the while!

I want to thank Rob from The V-Pub for inviting me to this blog tour. I couldn’t wait to get started after I happened to receive the very notification.

Let’s start with the Rules: Pass the tour on up to four other bloggers. Give them the rules and a specific Monday to post. Answer four questions about your creative process that lets other bloggers and visitors know what inspires you to do what you do.Compose a one-time post on a specific Monday (date given by your nominator).

1. What I’m working on at the moment?

View original post 719 more words

By His Grace

When I started this journey of recovery from alcoholism and mental illness, I was 25. I hit bottom, hard, and had a suicide attempt, after 3 months of so called sobriety, or what some people refer to as a “dry drunk.”
I had 3 beers that night, as I recall, the ole “liquid courage,” and then I used razor blades to cut both wrists. Each time I stopped bleeding, I would cut again, and again, until I passed out.
But at the last moment, I said “God, I don’t really want to die. But I don’t want to live. Please help me. I don’t want to go to Hell.”
That was quite a prayer, a desperate one, and one He answered almost before I’d finished saying it. But my Christian growth has proceeded more slowly than I would have hoped. I have been able to maintain my sobriety since that night, December 21, 1985. That is a huge feat. But my mental illness has been dogged in its pursuit of my soul. Even today I am facing those demons of memory and fear in regard to my history of sexual and other abuse.
Whose fault is it? And why, God? Those questions are not so important today. What matters is my relationship with Jesus Christ, and how I live from here on out, daily.
Soon after writing my blog post, Th’Abuse, yesterday, I heard echoes of reminder: “You faced this before, but not with Me. You will face this again, more layers of the onion, but this time, it’s different. You will face it with Me.”
And it’s true. I don’t have to face it alone this time. My suicide attempt was thirty years ago. Fifteen years after that, I asked Jesus to save my soul, and by the grace of Jesus Christ, He did.
My relationship with Him has grown slowly, oh, so much more slowly than I’ve wanted, but He has never moved. I have, but never Him. His promise: “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” (Hebrews 13:5)
And so, this is my prayer today, as I embark still further upon this journey. Feel free to use it to help you on your own path. Psalm 143 reads:

Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.

For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

And amen.

Th’Abuse …

I don’t like talking about it, remembering it, thinking about it. I thought I was all done with all that. You know, years of therapy, lost time, ruined relationships, spotty employment… oh sure, the depression, the manias, hospitalizations, ok I was willing to say, yeah, that’s the reason. But, there were the years I spent in therapy recounting what happened…

And years unrecounting what happened.

To the point that I don’t honestly know what happened. And I suppose that is fine, if you close yourself into a hidey hole and you never talk to anyone or open your eyes…

Yeah. Like that’s gonna happen.

So anyway yeah, I am very sensitive to sex talk and four letter words, and it is nice that as a Christian I am not exposed to a lot of that.

But out in the real world, I am. And it triggers me.

Now who’s to say triggering is bad? If it makes you face your demons and heal, that’s good, right?

But if it makes you go backwards, is it so good?

Well, truth be told, I am not sure what is good for me sometimes. I do know I like stability.

But right now stability means I’m not able to work.

GREAT.

Not sure I will be able to, again. Well, I’m fine w/ that, if I can continue to write, and function – you know, take showers, talk to people …

SMH … that means “Shaking My Head” right?

Cuz that is what I’m doing. Shaking … mah … head….

Anyway I had to put that out there. Not sure what to do w/ it but thought it would be helpful to get it out before bedtime.

Hyeaaahhh…

Abolitionist Harriet Tubman Wins Popular Vote to Be Face of $20 Bill

It’s a START!

All Things Chronic

http://patch.com/maryland/annapolis/abolitionist-harriet-tubman-wins-popular-vote-be-face-20-bill-0

The $20 bill was selected because 2020 is the 100th anniversary of passage of the 19th Amendment that granted women the right to vote.

“There are so few reminders in our everyday lives of great women who’ve contributed to the shaping of our nation,” said Susan Ades Stone, executive director of Women on 20s. “It’s time to correct that and putting a woman on a $20 is like having a little pocket monument.”

The group’s slogan is “A Woman’s Place is On the Money.” …

View original post

♪♫ There my burdened soul found liberty

Well, I haven’t written for a while. Not sure why not. I did finish writing my “Secret Santa” blog, and since then I’ve been on “E.”

I mean, I can think of things to write about, I suppose, but then I will have to kill you invest in it. And I just don’t feel like it. I’m not depressed, I don’t think. That is mostly gone (see previous whining months of January through April)

Ok, I know, it’s not whining, it’s DEPRESSION. It’s a real thing. And I don’t think that’s what’s going on.

But at the same time, it’s interesting that I chose the song lyric I did for the title of this post. I am feeling a little burdened.(“Well, the girl is ‘saved,’ whatever that is, she’s a Christian. Aren’t they supposed to be happy, unburdened? Why, if she’s a Christian, is she so miserable?”)Well, that’s what I think you think. I think it’s a little bit what I think. But it’s not true. I am happy about being a Christian, I am happy I’m saved, and generally I’m a happy and positive person.But this danged mental illness thing, well (scrape scrape) I can’t seem to get it off my skeeee-in!Ok well will yew just quit a talkin about it and write already???

Ok, well I will.

I feel burdened by my appetite for one thing. I was thinking last night, I can’t stop eating! But it’s not just that; it’s more like, I don’t want to stop eating! And that’s the case again tonight. I ordered a nice meal from a restaurant and I am pretty sure it’s not going to be enough 😦

Is it the medication? or is it my soul? my longing, my loneliness? Ugh I hate to even think that I could be lonely. I’m not like that. So … let’s eat!

I also thought that my readers might be wondering where I am, what’s going on, so I really ought to write. Do you care that way? I know when I don’t hear from you guys I wonder. So, here I am! (waving) – I’m not suicidal or even thinking morose thoughts.

Oh and another thing that has burdened me some. I got a credit card. Yippee! You know what a credit card does though? It makes you think of all the things you want, or the things that you want to do. My list keeps growing. I stare at jewelry. Me! Jewelry! I’ve also watched a couple of QVC type shows! One was for cookware! Cookware? I don’t even cook!

And the greatest fantasy: Paris! I have always wanted to go! I’m this side of 60 and I think I will always regret it if I never go! (Should I stay or should I go now?)

But that’s not why I got the card, right? To make myself miserable with want? Well yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. I know! I’m not unhappy enough, let’s drive myself batty!

No, seriously, one of the things I wanted to do was put the balance of a high interest card, onto this card from my bank that has no interest for a year. Let’s get that balance down, baby!

So what do they do? They give me a $5000. credit limit! What the heck is wrong with them? They’re my bank! Don’t they know better??

It really is driving me nuts! I guess the time has come for me to send the card to Georgia.

Not the State. My friend, Georgia. She’ll guard it …

So about that burdened soul. A little less burdened, here.

This is the song, called At Calvary

Years I spent in vanity and pride,
Caring not my Lord was crucified,
Knowing not it was for me He died on Calvary.

Mercy there was great, and grace was free;
Pardon there was multiplied to me;
There my burdened soul found liberty at Calvary…

The song is based on Luke 23:33  And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left.

If you want to read about how this led to people being saved from their sin, check out I Know A Love!

♪♫ Just A Few Thirty Minutes To Go … ♪♫

I coulda sworn I’d heard a song by that name … “just a few thirty minutes to go…” Well that’s all I have left to write my novel! I set my alarm for 30 minutes and for some reason I will write. It’s very strange.

And as the “song” says, I just have to repeat that strategy “a few” more times, and I’ll be done!

What works for you?

What I hate about blogging

1. When someone says they are going to kill themselves and then they don’t post again for days.

2. When they say it again a few weeks later and you don’t hear from them again.

3. When you lose the draft of a valid (I mean, not frivolous) blog post. Actually, there are two of them that I can’t find.

4. When you come to care about a number of people in the blogging world but then you can’t keep up with them all.

5. That’s about it.

♪♫ Life now is sweet …

Hi Kids!

Some of my friends will announce at the beginning of a post, “Trigger Warning!” when they’re about to write about something like suicide, or PTSD triggers, or the like.

Well I’d like to announce, “Scripture Warning!” Although, there aren’t many, and they aren’t too heavy, for those who are leery of that type of thing.

I have 3 (maybe four) blog posts on the fire that I am waiting to write, and I’m feeling a little pressure! The more serious ones I like to have a block of time to write, and to really concentrate. (I don’t want you to think I’m a total nimwit when I finally write them).

One has to do with the Secret Santa post I reblogged recently.

Another (maybe two posts) is to finish the After Midnight series, in which I talk about the origin of the title of this blog.

Then there is another “serious” (It’s all relative) post, but I forget what it was. It’s written down somewhere. I think. Give me a break! I woke up rudely at 4:30 a.m. with a charlie horse (capital C?) 😦 I am not all there yet!

So, to catch you up. I have had 2 very sweet days! Saturday I think I might have mentioned – hanging out with my son, great weather, doing some work for the church, going to coffee w/ a few friends, then a family birthday party. It was awesome!

Sunday a little pressure. It is always busy on Sunday, but I really enjoyed it: A couple of church services, seeing my son again, a sweet little nap, great weather again. I tell ya it’s been a while since I’ve had 2 really good days in a row. And I really like it!

Today will be busy, but I plan to try not to complain, and just to love it.

This is a sure plan for disaster, right? I mean, if I do wind up having three good days in a row – well, we all know that that must mean I’m manic. HAHAHA!

Anyway, I hope you all have a really good day! Here is the song (lyrics and video) that is referenced in the title. It’s the first song that was running through my head so far – and how I feel at the mo. I think we sang it at church yesterday. The youtube video plays a little stuffier version of the song than I would like, but you get the gist. God is good!

Here are two verses of scripture that the song is based upon. And pardon the formatting! I can’t seem to fix it:

Psalm 116:6 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me.
Ephesians 2:8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
Would you like to be saved today? Here’s how! Check out A Love Beyond All Limits! There is no better day than today to be saved!

And if no one has told you yet today that they love you, let me be the first!
Saved Saved

  1. I’ve found a Friend, who is all to me,
    His love is ever true;
    I love to tell how He lifted me
    And what His grace can do for you.

    • Refrain:
      Saved by His pow’r divine,
      Saved to new life sublime!
      Life now is sweet and my joy is complete,
      For I’m saved, saved, saved!
  2. He saves me from every sin and harm,
    Secures my soul each day;
    I’m leaning strong on His mighty arm;
    I know He’ll guide me all the way.
  3. When poor and needy and all alone,
    In love He said to me,
    “Come unto Me and I’ll lead you home,
    To live with Me eternally.”

I’ve (not) forgotten you…

I’ve forgotten you
I’ve forgotten every single time you’ve read me
I don’t miss it like you think I do
I’ve forgotten you
How you’ve read me and it felt like it’s what you were born to do
If I lie enough it might come true, I’ve forgotten you

and I’m sorry but well… I’ve (not) forgotten you, just been busy and just been cooking the blog posts that I need/want/plan to do.
it’s really a beautiful song and it made me cry tho I don’t know why, “I’ve forgotten you”…