I am doing a lot better today! It is a little miracle. I’ll take it!
Yesterday I felt so anxious and overwhelmed, hypomanic, and scared!
Today I feel normal. I went to an AA meeting, went for a walk (it was beautiful out!), and now I’m home. Eating a good lunch, gonna do dishes, then I have church (prayer meeting) tonight.
No panic, a little anxiety, no hypomania. Thank You God! I had a lot of people praying for me and I truly believe that helps!
Thanks all for listening to me yesterday! I will keep you posted.
For the past week, I have been experiencing a feeling of being chased. You know, that heart-in-your-throat, can’t-get-away kind of feeling that is sometimes associated with anxiety.
After that? I started having difficulty abstaining from a number of behaviors that I avoid very easily as a Christian, but not so much as someone whose medications are out of whack. Swearing, impatience, starting and not finishing blog entries … stuff like that. Oh, and barely refraining from throwing one’s phone through one’s television. Fantasizing about imbibing certain anesthetizing fluids and acting out shamelessly. Wanting to jump into my car right after payday, because, after all, I’m totally messing up, so why shouldn’t I? To go cross country and get all the bad behavior over with, because there’s no point trying to restrain myself. That, my dears, is hypomania.
It is the state of mind in which one knows better than to attempt installing one’s printer, if one wants not to destroy it, or to become totally undone. Just yesterday I was trying to synch my “my fitness pal” to my “map my walk,” and between my phone and my computer, I just about imploded. I did have an incredible melt down, the likes of which I have been working toward all week, all month, maybe all year. Honestly! Why can’t the… ok we won’t go there…
So I had a call in to my doctor’s nurse yesterday, and she called me back. Late, I might add. But I had forgotten to turn my ringer on. By the time I realized she had called, she was already leaving a message.
That’s one thing cell phones lack, that regular phones with answering machines don’t. A regular phone could be snatched up mid-message with an awkward “Hello? Hello?” But at least you could catch the person who was calling. With cell phones, you end up playing telephone tag for hours, sometimes days, and most times they call you back when they’re darn good and ready. See? “Darn.” I have a little self control.
But back to the phone call. That was about the time the phone almost lost its life. But of course, when I realized I could not throw it and get away with it, and there wasn’t a punching bag or a human nearby, yeah… Instead of being angry, I dissolved into tears.
So then I couldn’t immediately call her back. It was pointless to even try. It’s very hard to convey one’s feelings and needs when one is sobbing. Well, on second thought, I could have communicated quite a lot that way, but not what I wanted to. After all, I do have a little self respect.
So today, I believe it was even before I opened my eyes, I was thinking the F word, which then caused me to start crying. Oh, it’s gonna be a fabulous day, I thought. I’m sorry, God, and please help me.
And then I started flagellating myself for saying sorry all the time but not changing anything. Yah. That kind of day.
One verse in the Bible says that out of the heart the mouth speaks. So this whole thing makes me feel like so much less of a Christian. I’m not even telling you about how I was trying not to shake the walls of the apartments on other side of mine with my hollering. Add consideration to self respect. I reeeeally am trying not to lose it.
For those of you who then want to say “Such thoughts, such speech and behavior would not occur to someone who truly knows and loves the Lord.” Well I’m glad it’s like that for you, truly. And maybe I’m not a Christian. Maybe I am just faking it. Putting on a big front. I guess I could use prayer instead of your judgment.
Oh, the joys of hypomania. I would love to take full advantage, and start cleaning my place, and doing whatever else needs doing, but I seem to have bypassed that stage of efficiency entirely, and progressed to the stage of irritability and ineptitude, and the unable-to-do-a-thing-right stage. Ohhhkay, see that run on sentence? Another symptom of hypomania. When it gets real bad, I don’t even use commas.
Anyway, had I not bypassed that efficiency stage, I’d be having this conversation with you in an apartment that was minus the dirty dishes and bags full of laundry. It would be pristine, sparkling. And I’d be a little less unhappy about this whole thing.
So there you have it. This is the quandary of the Christian who has bipolar disorder. Oh yes, the manic aspect and the depressive aspect are equally self-condemning, never mind concerning what other Christians might think. Is it any wonder that we hide ourselves from those Christians who don’t understand?
And yes I am tersely speaking with as much clarity and control as I possibly can. Who wouldn’t when other words want to fly out of one’s fingers?
So pray for me. Pray for proper medication management, and that I cause as little damage to myself and others, and things, as possible. In the meantime, I am fantasizing about being admitted to the hospital. Or of having it suggested to me, and replying with a long string of obscenities.
♪♫ Hi Anxiety …
I know your parents never told you, but in life, not everyone will like you. And you can invite obnoxious comments on your page. Whether it’s because you are too good, or maybe you just rub that person the wrong way, it doesn’t matter. Maybe, God forbid, you are being bad! But regardless, you don’t deserve abuse. By the way, that doesn’t apply to me here, as yet. Everyone has been very considerate, even when they didn’t agree. Thank you readers!
Fortunately, when you aren’t able to reason with someone commenting on your page, you can block them. Not only from responding anymore, but from seeing your page at all!
Oh, oops, that’s another site, not WordPress
Here, you can’t block someone from seeing your page. But you can do something about their comments. See:
Please, valiant friend who is singlehandedly duking it out, but who has no private contact information, please take heed. I really hate the sight of blood.
And for the rest of you, sock this away for future reference.
I came across a quote this morning that I really liked:
“Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows.”
– Michael Landon
I like that quote, don’t you?
Speaking of “do it now,” my bucket list is real simple: Get through the day, and go to Paris. That’s not asking much, right?
This morning as I was cooking up some scrambled eggs, I noticed that I was also cooking the lid of the plastic (!!!) container I use for butter!
Sadness! Quickly I grabbed the lid and moved the pan of eggs, then checked to see if any of the melted plastic had adhered to the pan.
Nope. Thank You God! Yes, that was a prayer of thanksgiving, because, had it melted onto the pan, I’d have been more sad. 😦
The lid of the butter thing was quickly repaired (the hole covered with a piece of shipping tape), and put back in the fridge. I did not say it was well repaired. Just repaired. Anyway …
I also want to share another thought I read this morning from La vie est trop courte pour boire du mauvais vin
Noooo I have not taken up drinking wine, but I do like reading the different accounts of his travels, and looking at his photos.
His quote today:
It doesn’t matter how tatty your wings are… If you can fly… FLY!
The word “tatty” makes me think of the word “tattered,” or “damaged.” Check out the page and you’ll see the tattered butterfly that goes with the quote. Funnily enough, there is a French phrase, “Quelle dommage,” which sounds like the word “damage,” and can mean “What a shame!” or “What a pity!” But way down on the list of translations is the phrase, “How damaged!” So, let’s say that it means that… ok? And let’s fly!
Don’t mind me. It’s morning, which means, before noon, which means (speaking of flying) flight of ideas! It means you’ve got to expect a little less. Not only is it morning! Worse, it’s before 7 a.m! So you really need to expect less!
So, let’s fly! We may have tattered wings, as in the photo, but we can fly!
(Looks at the clock). No, really, let’s fly! It’s time for church!
(Flies off, flapping wings …)
* Michael Landon quote from Ritu at BUT I SMILE ANYWAY — Thank you Ritu!]
Grr! One more thing and I’m just gonna lose it! Jesus, Your Word says to cast my burdens at Your feet? Well, I’m casting them! Here ya go! Take them!
I watch as You pick them up carefully. “Ok, Kat,” You say. “Just remember. These are Mine, not yours. You gave them to Me, and you can’t have them back. Not unless I give them to you.”
How could this be, Lord? Shouldn’t I be able to handle them? These things I’m trying to do? Those people who need my help? But they’re so heavy on my shoulders, my neck! Ugh, what do I do?
“Keep putting them at my feet,” You say, “and all those things you have to do. I’ll carry them for you. I’ll tell you when to help Me. But you must give them to me first.”
And what about my mind, Lord! It’s making me crazy! First I think I’m fine, and then I’m not! What am I supposed to do?
“Place it all at My feet.”
But Lord, I can’t even do that! I get out of bed and my mind is already racing!
“Put everything at my feet. And spend a little time with Me.”
How, Lord? And how can You love me? I’m a mess.
“I love that mess. Now come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
That’s all I want, Lord.
“I know. So be still, and know that I am God. Cast your cares upon me, Kat, for I care for you.”
That’s all I want. Lord. But I’m supposed to be more like You, not this train wreck. And if I’m supposed to be like You, doesn’t that mean I need to give? I feel so overwhelmed. But how can I say no to those who need me?
“Even Moses had to learn say no. Remember, I was here for a specific purpose. I said, “I must work the works of him that sent me.” Why did God send you, Kat? So read My Word. Be still. And most of all, cast your care upon Me.”
“And while you’re at it, Kat, cast My care upon Me, too.”
References: Matthew 11:28, Psalm 46:10, 1 Peter 5:7, John 9:4
I plan to follow this series about the armour of God. Why don’t you consider following Wally, and study more about Ephesians 6?
As you all know, on Saturday mornings I usually recap a devotional series from previous Daily Devotions. This morning’s will be a recap of the series I did on The Armor of God. This will be a two part recap, so stay tuned next week for the conclusion. Enjoy!
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having…
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