Th’Abuse …

I don’t like talking about it, remembering it, thinking about it. I thought I was all done with all that. You know, years of therapy, lost time, ruined relationships, spotty employment… oh sure, the depression, the manias, hospitalizations, ok I was willing to say, yeah, that’s the reason. But, there were the years I spent in therapy recounting what happened…

And years unrecounting what happened.

To the point that I don’t honestly know what happened. And I suppose that is fine, if you close yourself into a hidey hole and you never talk to anyone or open your eyes…

Yeah. Like that’s gonna happen.

So anyway yeah, I am very sensitive to sex talk and four letter words, and it is nice that as a Christian I am not exposed to a lot of that.

But out in the real world, I am. And it triggers me.

Now who’s to say triggering is bad? If it makes you face your demons and heal, that’s good, right?

But if it makes you go backwards, is it so good?

Well, truth be told, I am not sure what is good for me sometimes. I do know I like stability.

But right now stability means I’m not able to work.

GREAT.

Not sure I will be able to, again. Well, I’m fine w/ that, if I can continue to write, and function – you know, take showers, talk to people …

SMH … that means “Shaking My Head” right?

Cuz that is what I’m doing. Shaking … mah … head….

Anyway I had to put that out there. Not sure what to do w/ it but thought it would be helpful to get it out before bedtime.

Hyeaaahhh…

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10 thoughts on “Th’Abuse …

  1. mtaggartwriter

    There’s a box. You can open it, but you don’t need to. You’re in it. The box flexes and you’re within and you push and push more. Eventually the box will succumb. It will succumb. I am sorry. Though this does you no good now, it may later.

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    1. kbailey374 Post author

      It’s kinda like how I feel when a bee comes around – no really – I freeze when I see it and then I say, oh yeah, you don’t have to be so scared. You can breathe. I am terrified of bees. I also feel terrified when I see that I might have to go “there” again. When I glimpse it and feel my body react and then tell myself, oh yeah, you don’t have to be so scared. You can breathe … Bleahhhh… I know, worse than bees, but my body reacts the same.

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  2. KatieComeBack

    I don’t think there is one single direct path to recovery. It’s like crossing a river. You test a rock, it wobbles, you pick a different one. You sometimes have to veer left, right, and backwards in order to make progress. And sometimes you slip on the moss, or on a rock that you’re sure was stable, and you get wet.

    At that point you pretty much have to get back on the rocks or you drown. But sometimes you just get worn out and need to cling to a rock and rest a bit.

    The only way to get across the river is to keep going.

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    1. kbailey374 Post author

      Thanks Katie. I have survived remembering some pretty sick stuff. Then later not sure if it was the real deal. If I can survive what I did before, I know I will this time. Don’t really want to but you’re right, not much choice if I want to cross.

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  3. Julie

    Shaking My Head, too, Kat. I’m not sure how much/often you have to face your demons in order to heal. Maybe acknowledging what happened and bringing them into the light once and for all is all we need to do – let Jesus do the rest. Have you done Beth Moore’s Breaking Free Bible study?

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  4. Pingback: By His Grace | Walking After Midnight:

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