♪♫ Hi Anxiety

For the past week, I have been experiencing a feeling of being chased. You know, that heart-in-your-throat, can’t-get-away kind of feeling that is sometimes associated with anxiety.

After that? I started having difficulty abstaining from a number of behaviors that I avoid very easily as a Christian, but not so much as someone whose medications are out of whack. Swearing, impatience, starting and not finishing blog entries … stuff like that. Oh, and barely refraining from throwing one’s phone through one’s television. Fantasizing about imbibing certain anesthetizing fluids and acting out shamelessly. Wanting to jump into my car right after payday, because, after all, I’m totally messing up, so why shouldn’t I? To go cross country and get all the bad behavior over with, because there’s no point trying to restrain myself. That, my dears, is hypomania.

It is the state of mind in which one knows better than to attempt installing one’s printer, if one wants not to destroy it, or to become totally undone. Just yesterday I was trying to synch my “my fitness pal” to my “map my walk,” and between my phone and my computer, I just about imploded. I did have an incredible melt down, the likes of which I have been working toward all week, all month, maybe all year. Honestly! Why can’t the… ok we won’t go there…

So I had a call in to my doctor’s nurse yesterday, and she called me back. Late, I might add. But I had forgotten to turn my ringer on. By the time I realized she had called, she was already leaving a message.

That’s one thing cell phones lack, that regular phones with answering machines don’t. A regular phone could be snatched up mid-message with an awkward “Hello? Hello?” But at least you could catch the person who was calling. With cell phones, you end up playing telephone tag for hours, sometimes days, and most times they call you back when they’re darn good and ready. See? “Darn.” I have a little self control.

But back to the phone call. That was about the time the phone almost lost its life. But of course, when I realized I could not throw it and get away with it, and there wasn’t a punching bag or a human nearby, yeah…  Instead of being angry, I dissolved into tears.

So then I couldn’t immediately call her back. It was pointless to even try. It’s very hard to convey one’s feelings and needs when one is sobbing. Well, on second thought, I could have communicated quite a lot that way, but not what I wanted to. After all, I do have a little self respect.

So today, I believe it was even before I opened my eyes, I was thinking the F word, which then caused me to start crying. Oh, it’s gonna be a fabulous day, I thought. I’m sorry, God, and please help me.

And then I started flagellating myself for saying sorry all the time but not changing anything. Yah. That kind of day.

One verse in the Bible says that out of the heart the mouth speaks. So this whole thing makes me feel like so much less of a Christian. I’m not even telling you about how I was trying not to shake the walls of the apartments on other side of mine with my hollering. Add consideration to self respect. I reeeeally am trying not to lose it.

For those of you who then want to say “Such thoughts, such speech and behavior would not occur to someone who truly knows and loves the Lord.” Well I’m glad it’s like that for you, truly. And maybe I’m not a Christian. Maybe I am just faking it. Putting on a big front. I guess I could use prayer instead of your judgment.

Oh, the joys of hypomania. I would love to take full advantage, and start cleaning my place, and doing whatever else needs doing, but I seem to have bypassed that stage of efficiency entirely, and progressed to the stage of irritability and ineptitude, and the unable-to-do-a-thing-right stage. Ohhhkay, see that run on sentence? Another symptom of hypomania. When it gets real bad, I don’t even use commas.

Anyway, had I not bypassed that efficiency stage, I’d be having this conversation with you in an apartment that was minus the dirty dishes and bags full of laundry. It would be pristine, sparkling. And I’d be a little less unhappy about this whole thing.

So there you have it. This is the quandary of the Christian who has bipolar disorder. Oh yes, the manic aspect and the depressive aspect are equally self-condemning, never mind concerning what other Christians might think. Is it any wonder that we hide ourselves from those Christians who don’t understand?

And yes I am tersely speaking with as much clarity and control as I possibly can. Who wouldn’t when other words want to fly out of one’s fingers?

So pray for me. Pray for proper medication management, and that I cause as little damage to myself and others, and things, as possible. In the meantime, I am fantasizing about being admitted to the hospital. Or of having it suggested to me, and replying with a long string of obscenities.

♪♫ Hi Anxiety …

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26 thoughts on “♪♫ Hi Anxiety

  1. riverrei

    I pray and believe in God but I wouldn’t call myself a Christian. Those who judge others because of something they cannot control isn’t a true Christian to begin with. Only God has the power to judge people. I can understand why it is so hard and why you would want to hide it though, and for that I feel for you. I have anxiety and depression and it makes my life difficult as well. I can only imagine what you go through. You have my prayers and support.

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    1. kbailey374 Post author

      Thank you. I think for the most part I imagine that others are/would judge me, but I know there is always one nincompoop (shall we say) in a bunch. That goes for lawyers, nurses, cashiers, and Christians. We’re all just people when it comes right down to it. xo

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  2. kbailey374 Post author

    Oh this is wonnnderful. Had a conversation w/ my Drs nurse. I think I took twice as much Abilify as she suggested. She was trying to get me to take LESS of it but I think I took more. Not sure. Guess we will find out!

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      1. kbailey374 Post author

        The doctor’s nurse told me, I thought! to take 5 mg. Well I took the half a five that I had, then overthought and popped another half! Which is altogether a higher dose than the 3.5 I’ve been taking! Oh so ridiculous. Anyway she said the doc is off today and just keep monitoring and make sure I do see the friend I was planning to see tonite. (she doesn’t want me figuring this stuff out alone). I don’t know. I am kind of waiting for a bomb to go off now that I took the whole 5. 😦

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  3. Devin

    I would say anyone who judges you isn’t Christian. And I will also say, what you wrote above, is you admitting you are human. Just because you are Christian doesn’t mean you are perfect. We are all human and make mistakes, and I don’t know about your God, but I believe my God is understanding of that and still loves us no matter what.
    I will be praying that things start to feel better for you. That you will get the right medication stuff figured out, and that you will be safe.

    Devin

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  4. paulfg

    Kathy, this ranks – for me – as one of the best posts I have enjoyed reading. Because your writing is magnificent. Because you felt able to publish it. And because you have given me the chance to applaud you.
    We don’t half worry on God’s behalf! I suspect He chuckles lovingly each time.
    Thank you so much for finishing this piece. It is tremendous!! And as for this “good Chritian / bad Christian” stuff – my relationship tells me He loves us best when we simply accept ourselves as His beautiful gems!
    ((hugs))

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  5. Quixie

    You WILL get through this. You have very little perspective to judge your actions when you are hypomanic. Please remember that. Keep calling and pestering your doc office leaving messages telling them that you are hypomanic. They’ll believe you and get the point if you keep calling. Please don’t judge yourself! You will get through this but you do need to see a doc. ((HUG))

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  6. Terri Carrigan

    My dear friend. I wish I make everything all better for you.   You seemed good tonight.  I am praying as always for you. I love you berry berry much.  XO

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  7. Pingback: Just so’s you know… | Walking After Midnight:

  8. peggyricewi

    We are completely loved by God, not because of us, but because that’s who God is. And Jesus lives to intercede on our behalf, along with the Holy Spirit. All those negative things – I’m such a bad Christian, etc – that’s not God! “There is now NO condemnation for those who are inChrist Jesus and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:1) (((hugs)))

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  9. realchange4u

    You are beautiful and accepted as you are. God loves you the same as anyone else in this world. You are special and precious to him, just where you are at. God sees you and hears you and love you. Paste the link below in your browser and read. I pray it puts you back on course. Lord still her mind and body. Let her have peace from you. Holy Spirit I ask you to come and fill her with your spirit and give her deep knowledge of you, that she would experience your love and adoration you have for her. I pray a hedge of protection around her life and plead the blood of Jesus upon her. Protect her and watch over her. I praise you and give you all the glory for the works you have done in her life to your glory father amen.

    Much love Tom and Jesus

    http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/fearfully-and-wonderfully-made-meaning-with-commentary/

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  10. georgetownrose

    Dear one. Your post is a evidence of the work of the Holy Spirit in a weakened vessel. You expressed what you are suffering with vivid clarity, and I admire you to my tippy toes for it. Having read your subsequent post, the one sharing your relief and victory, I will continue to pray for you. Hope you will whisper a prayer for me now and then, even if it is a groan which cannot be uttered. My hugs and blessings to you for being a testimony of His strength in weakness… To LIFE in Jesus! ❤

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  11. KatieComeBack

    I have a mantra. Do One Thing Now. It’s simple and gets me to break the pattern and do SOMETHING. File, pull a weed, walk around the block. I repeat in my head “DO ONE THING NOW” until I actually do it….and the activity usually gets me refocused.

    I have this on my whiteboard at work….keeps me from hurling a stapler at it. Usually.

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  12. kbailey374 Post author

    Thank you! I am feeling much better, today the hissy fit minus the hypomania lol. Have been walking quite a bit which helps all around. Hey and I did the dishes again today so it’s all good lol

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