Category Archives: Christmas

To Kill Or Not To Kill

Please pray for this person. (Post could be triggering) I realize most of us have been there… and also that when you’re there it’s really hard to talk yourself out of it …

Depressionless

Killing myself is the only thing I have been thinking about for the past few days, and I now have almost everything ready to do it. I don’t want to discuss all of my plan but it is to hang myself on Monday night, calling the police right before I do it so they can find my body when I’m dead (and no random stranger has to see me). So if I don’t post on Monday night, that means I have gone through with it or my friend or the police has held me so I cannot do anything.

Link to the last post if anyone is interested.

I have been thinking so much about it. I read all of the comments from the previous post, and they have confused me so much. They are making me think whether I should do it or not. I’ve decided from them that…

View original post 290 more words

Approaching goodness (at least, that’s the title I started out with)

I’m doing a lot of reading of blogs, surfing around Facebook, nodding my head a lot, reblogging some … but in spite of all that, Christmas is still coming, lol…

I actually am feeling a kind of happy about it, which is unusual for me, because usually I am all about avoiding it, and dreading it.

Why?

Well, one reason is the lack of funds, but that’s not primary. When I can, I give my son some money, and give to the Christmas offering at church. Never could afford much more than that.

Well, that’s not true. I remember the first Christmas, as a kid with a paper route, when I was able to buy “something” for every of my then-9 siblings, for Mom, and for Dad. SO EXCITING! Maybe each item was under $5., but every gift was special, and thought through.

Over time, as I made more money, I was able to give more than a token gift. REAL exciting!

And then further along in time, as my illness has progressed, back to not being able to buy for anyone at all (I have bipolar, folks, which usually means depression and anxiety, which usually means, I am either between jobs, beginning one, or ending one. None of these phases lasts very long).

I can’t just blame the lack of gifting on the money. I went for five years not having contact with my family at all. My fault, the fault of the therapists, the fault, again, of the illness. [One of these days I will talk about “the fault of the therapists,” but not now. Not when I’ve digressed so well already].

So, uh, where were I?

Avoiding and dreading. Well, after the no contact thing, I started finding the whole Christmas thing very depressing. No family to sit around a table with, and a blatant refusal to enjoy it otherwise.

Why else did I avoid and dread it?

Well, there’s the depression thing. That.

That’s probably the biggest thing.

But wait, there is something even bigger than the depression. It’s the expectation that it will be depression. And even, the choice that it will be depressing.

How could that BE? Aren’t I just a victim of my illness?

Not quite. Really, I do have choices. Ok, not always, but sometimes.

Like, the last few years, I chose to attend a community dinner and bring along friends who don’t celebrate with THEIR families, for various and sundry reasons of their own.

It made me feel a part of, under the guise of being helpful to others.

I’m good at that last one.

So anyway, this year, I’m doing the same, the community dinner. Last year, my son came along, so that was really cool. Not sure what he is doing this year.

But anyway! I keep digressing!

What I want to say is, this year I am not just “supposed” to feel (here comes the list): Grateful, happy, excited, spiritual, close to the Lord, close to people …

I am actually feeling some of that!

And not in a manic-y scary sort of way. Just, kind of a normal feeling of happiness and anticipation.

WOW!

Oh did I fail to mention another reason I dread Christmas?

Yes I am undigressing a little, sorry.

I had a suicide attempt in December of 1985. Due to some of the reasons I listed above.

But I survived!

And every year I seemed to think I had to pay homage to the Anniversary of the Failed Suicide!

This year, nah, I don’t think I will do that.

I think I will be happy. And just allow that.

(and the other stuff on the list)

 

The Christmas Scandal

WOW. You have got to read this and watch the video. My eyes are still puffed up from crying after watching the video. The blog itself is so insightful. Good way to start the month! Thank you Leah!

Isaiah 43:1

sainsburys-christmas-advert-first-world-war-534812

A scandal as arisen in the UK over the release of a Christmas commercial by Sainsbury Grocery. The commercial spends about 3 minutes depicting the Christmas Truce of 1914, with the end goal of selling chocolate.

Apparently, people are upset that such an extraordinary event should be used for advertising purposes. I find this hilariously ironic.

Every year, people all over the world see their largest boost in profit because of the advertisement advantage given to them by the celebration of the birth of our Savior.

I’m very grateful to this ad and its controversy because it stopped me dead in my tracks and caused me to look at the birth of Christ in a way I never had before.

We all know (some have experience) the trauma of childbirth for the mother, but I think few of us really reflect on the trauma the child goes through.

Everything the baby…

View original post 370 more words

“Don’t Fix It” over the holidays…

There is a peace in just going with what works (the ole if it ain’t broke don’t fix it) – but of course the random thought occurs that maybe I could function better (read: WORK like a normal person) – if I just had my meds tweaked a little, if I just could have a little hypomania which gives me energy + confidence, if only if only … well, holidays can kick off a little wishful thinking + dysfunction so best not to even consider it til well after New Year’s. I will think about/talk about it more if need be then. Meanwhile – just enjoy being out of the hospital and not suffering the effects of dis-ease for at least a month, lol … xoxo and enjoy (in spite of ourselves, lol). God bless you!

Taken from a comment I wrote on another blog – (see my friend BP Nurse‘s blog, she’s great!)