I don’t know about you, but I tend to save things in my inbox to prompt me to remember stuff. Of course, it gets cumbersome after a while and I end up deleting the whole pile, wondering why I saved it in the first place.
One such email came from Dayspring.com, which is where I used to get and send a lot of email cards to friends – encouragement, birthday cards, and the like. Well, on a particularly stressful, sad day I received one with the subject line, “Your Worth Is Beyond Measure.”
I received that on July 27, and it still gives me chills.
See, I have a friend who says that she lived with depression for most of her life. And the difference for her was discovering her value to God. “More than rubies!” She says.
And shortly before I got that email, she’d reminded me of that. “More than rubies!”
Only, I can’t seem to get that from my head to my heart.
And just writing that makes me cry.
So, I’ve kept the email, and as many emails as I’ve deleted, that one stays. Lord, help me to “get” that. I know You love me. But man… life is really hard sometimes.
My depression is more an energy thing, than a sadness thing. I am not “sad.” I’m frozen.
But, at times, yes I am sad.
Take this email:
We’re the __________ a caring facility that provides specialized diagnosis and treatment services for children, adolescents and adults suffering from a wide range of psychiatric and addiction challenges. We’re contacting you regarding a challenging career opportunity for a very special, compassionate Registered Nurse who wants to work in our _______________ location where he or she can dramatically impact the lives of those in need.
Yes, I am an RN, and that advertisement came out of the blue to my inbox.
It made me sad.
I saved it until I could write this blog without tears.
Yea, nice try. (sniff)
You see, years ago, that ad would have been one to make me leap up with joy, and send off my resume without hesitation.
Today, not so much, because I know I can’t do that anymore.
There was a time I might have been able to.
But ironically my own “psychiatric and addiction challenge” makes it so I can’t accept “a challenging career.”
Even working in retail is too much of a challenge. (Not that retail is easy. No no no).
But I must remember: “My worth is greater than rubies.”
Sure. But it’s hard to believe that when you can’t “even” work.
But what I can do is enjoy my life.
So “they” say, lol.
Now I’ve been through many years of therapy, hospitalizations, outpatient programs, etc.
My greatest challenge is “accepting that I have a mental illness.”
I put that in quotes, because I can hear my therapist saying that to me (as he has, over and over and over. YUCK).
One of the things that all these programs recommend is to find those things that I enjoy, and do them. That’s supposed to help me enjoy my life.
Well, on a good day, a day when I thought to challenge myself (there’s that word again), I told myself, “enjoy your life!” and went to an arts and crafts store. Ironically, that’s the kind of retail store I last tried to work at, and failed.
Anyway, on that good day I signed up to take a crocheting class.
I am actually looking forward to it.
And trying to block my mind from the fact that “a challenging career opportunity for a very special, compassionate Registered Nurse” is not in my future.
But “Your Worth Is Beyond Measure.” That is something I could put my teeth around.
(Is that an expression? lol)
Well, in the immortal words of Elvis Presley: I need “Only Believe.” (Click the link)
I have to chuckle. Elvis, who died from drugs and alcohol, telling me to “Only Believe.”
But I think, even from the grave, it speaks to me.
One of the AA stories I used to hear is “How to become an old-timer,” a person with years and years of sobriety. They’d say, “Don’t Drink and Don’t Die.”
Meanwhile, as long as we have breath, there’s a chance (praise the Lord). So don’t drink. And don’t die.
It helps to send a knee mail, too. Because when I send a “knee mail” to God, praying on my knees, things happen.
Unfortunately, when I’m depressed, I forget. That’s when my friends kick in, and pray for me. Thank God! I’d never make it through without those prayers!