Category Archives: sexual abuse

By His Grace

When I started this journey of recovery from alcoholism and mental illness, I was 25. I hit bottom, hard, and had a suicide attempt, after 3 months of so called sobriety, or what some people refer to as a “dry drunk.”
I had 3 beers that night, as I recall, the ole “liquid courage,” and then I used razor blades to cut both wrists. Each time I stopped bleeding, I would cut again, and again, until I passed out.
But at the last moment, I said “God, I don’t really want to die. But I don’t want to live. Please help me. I don’t want to go to Hell.”
That was quite a prayer, a desperate one, and one He answered almost before I’d finished saying it. But my Christian growth has proceeded more slowly than I would have hoped. I have been able to maintain my sobriety since that night, December 21, 1985. That is a huge feat. But my mental illness has been dogged in its pursuit of my soul. Even today I am facing those demons of memory and fear in regard to my history of sexual and other abuse.
Whose fault is it? And why, God? Those questions are not so important today. What matters is my relationship with Jesus Christ, and how I live from here on out, daily.
Soon after writing my blog post, Th’Abuse, yesterday, I heard echoes of reminder: “You faced this before, but not with Me. You will face this again, more layers of the onion, but this time, it’s different. You will face it with Me.”
And it’s true. I don’t have to face it alone this time. My suicide attempt was thirty years ago. Fifteen years after that, I asked Jesus to save my soul, and by the grace of Jesus Christ, He did.
My relationship with Him has grown slowly, oh, so much more slowly than I’ve wanted, but He has never moved. I have, but never Him. His promise: “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” (Hebrews 13:5)
And so, this is my prayer today, as I embark still further upon this journey. Feel free to use it to help you on your own path. Psalm 143 reads:

Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.

For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

And amen.

Th’Abuse …

I don’t like talking about it, remembering it, thinking about it. I thought I was all done with all that. You know, years of therapy, lost time, ruined relationships, spotty employment… oh sure, the depression, the manias, hospitalizations, ok I was willing to say, yeah, that’s the reason. But, there were the years I spent in therapy recounting what happened…

And years unrecounting what happened.

To the point that I don’t honestly know what happened. And I suppose that is fine, if you close yourself into a hidey hole and you never talk to anyone or open your eyes…

Yeah. Like that’s gonna happen.

So anyway yeah, I am very sensitive to sex talk and four letter words, and it is nice that as a Christian I am not exposed to a lot of that.

But out in the real world, I am. And it triggers me.

Now who’s to say triggering is bad? If it makes you face your demons and heal, that’s good, right?

But if it makes you go backwards, is it so good?

Well, truth be told, I am not sure what is good for me sometimes. I do know I like stability.

But right now stability means I’m not able to work.

GREAT.

Not sure I will be able to, again. Well, I’m fine w/ that, if I can continue to write, and function – you know, take showers, talk to people …

SMH … that means “Shaking My Head” right?

Cuz that is what I’m doing. Shaking … mah … head….

Anyway I had to put that out there. Not sure what to do w/ it but thought it would be helpful to get it out before bedtime.

Hyeaaahhh…