Tag Archives: writing

The Sound of Silence

Silence like a cancer grows …” Paul Simon

Well, I suppose that is true. I don’t speak (= don’t write), therefore it leads to not speaking, and then it is harder to speak again. The silence grows and the cancer is the self- talk that goes on – “No one wants to hear what you have to say.” Or, “You don’t want them to know what you are thinking.” I don’t know which cancer is worse, and I really didn’t think of it as a cancer until those lyrics occurred to me …

The impetus for this blog post is one by a blogging friend, who says that her silence comes from a need to recover. I suppose that is partly true in my case (Recover from what, though? But I feel broken).

But unlike her, the recovery comes when I do write. When I am silent, i.e., not writing, but I suppose this includes not confiding verbally, I am withdrawing into myself, more depressed.

I did ask my NP (Nurse Practitioner) to help me deal with the increase in depression, which I am experiencing “a little bit,” and she upped my Abilify (which I have to be very gentle with – it can be very touchy!)

The other song that came to mind in reflecting about the quiet is a hymn we often sing during the altar invitation time at church:

Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me,
Spirit Divine!

So, silence is not so great, haha, if it means that the Holy Spirit will tell me what to do next (“Write, Kathleen!“). I don’t want to hear. La la la la … (index fingers firmly planted in both ears…). I am living a spiritual life, praying, reading my Bible, spending time with other Christian friends, but I am guarded somehow, lately.

Eh, and I thought my not blogging was just a laziness thing, but maybe not. And I do know you don’t mind hearing from me, at least, a number of you have said so. Somehow, that thought makes me feel tearful.

I had no idea, really, that I was feeling this melancholy. I’m really not! But apparently, it’s in there! (“Ragu: It’s In There!”)

So, I suppose I should keep writing.

I am toying with the idea of participating in July’s Nano Camp (see link if you are unfamiliar). Since we are allowed to set our own goals for it, I think I will work on my old work- in- progress one day, and alternate the next with a new work (featuring Vernon and Maggie Burke, an older couple who have an illustrious past …).

So, I guess I’ll see ya.

 

The Sound of Silence,” Written by Paul Simon.

Open My Eyes That I May See,” Words and Music by Clara H. Scott

(Okay, the song really does touch my heart, sigh …)

Whosover will …

For God so loved what was going to remain of the world in 2015, what the United States would become, the people who murder and rape and steal, the “foreigners” who migrate to our fair country; God, knowing full well what we would become in our own hearts, gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. So if you think you have done too much to be forgiven, or that it is too late, or that someone couldn’t possibly hear the Gospel from your lips, think again. Yes, I have kind of (!) paraphrased, but I hope that you know what I’m trying to say. God loved YOU a long long time before you were even conceived. Romans 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

Just some thoughts I was having.

I have thoughts a lot! But I talk myself out of writing them for stupid reasons…

Same as with writing my fiction; I wrote 450 words this morning, words I actually like. Why don’t I do that more often?

Ok berating yourself does not work so let’s not do it.

So, I hope all are well and all is well. Why not tell me how you are in the comments? I do care! xo

Remind me to talk to you about my doctor’s visit. No it isn’t fatal. Well, it can be if neglected. Ok, I will spoil the surprise. In not so many words he said I was fat. Ok, those are my words but whatever. (Again: berating yourself does not work).

Of Blog Tours and More, Part II

This is the blog tour referred to in my re-blog yesterday. I’d love to invite you to join my blog tour which is going to be the grandest event, coming to your town, this May/June! So gear up, people! I’m looking for 4 or 5 of you to join, so let me know! Feel free to email me at kbailey374@gmail.com if you would prefer!
Please don’t be shy or think you’re not good enough! You are, trust me! If you’re not technically a “writer,” that’s fine too; you’re a blogger! Own it! This is a great way to get your blog known and also to help your friends’ blogs to get out there!
I want to thank Theya Catalan of A Caffeinated Blog for inviting me to join her on this blog tour!
Let’s start with the Rules: Pass the tour on up to four of your own bloggers. Give them the rules and a specific Monday to post (although that is open, as long as you finish by the end of June). Answer the four questions below about your creative process, that lets other bloggers and visitors know what inspires you to do what you do. Compose a one-time post on a specific Monday. Again, I am not too worried about the “when.” Just make sure that everybody links back to me, so I can read everyone’s blogs!
1. What am I working on at the moment?
I am working on a Christian historical novel, set in Portland Maine in the 1850’s. Twenty year old Bridget Purcell hops on a train to go cross country from Oregon to take care of her aunt, who has broken a leg and is bedridden – and very demanding! But Bridget has a kind and patient demeanor and gets along with almost anyone – so she thinks. On the train she meets Josiah and Thomas, who also live in Portland. Josiah is an architect who is most awkward and annoying, and Thomas is an inventor who hopes to work for Josiah’s boss.
2. How does my work differ from others in my genre?
I’m hoping that this book will be exciting as well as informative. It’s been fun to write so far and I’ve already learned a lot, myself. My characters have surprised me more than once! It is a Christian novel, but it’s not preachy – just clean and entertaining!

Christian historical is also not my only genre. My first two books are contemporary. Stay tuned for more information!
3. How does my writing and creative process work?
I find that I do well having friendships with other writers who have various levels of expertise as writers, both beginners and experienced, published writers. We compare techniques with one another and cheer one another on. Sometimes we just chat and relax in between chapters. We even set the timer sometimes and do word sprints, and you’d be surprised what comes out when you are not trying to be “great!” Sometimes the creative part of me just wants to let loose!
I can write at any time of the day, but I need plenty of coffee on board! I also do better if I don’t give away too much of the story before it is polished and pretty, and pretty much ready to roll.
My writing used to be quite autobiographical. Now it has just a few personal touches that make me giggle, as if I have a secret.

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4. Why do I write?
From the time I could read, I wanted to write. As a child I kept journals, and when I couldn’t find the words, I would draw. I made little books of stories and gave them to my mother. I wrote poetry full of angst and pain when I was much younger. Now I just like to develop characters who live unique lives and situations; they become real to me, and, I hope, will become real to you as well.
Writing is definitely an escape, a wonderful visitation with other worlds and different lives. It is a way to travel and dream, all without leaving my house!
Now, I’d like to nominate following fellow bloggers:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Ah, this is where you come in. If you wish to participate, and I hope that you do, please answer the 4 questions listed above that I’ve answered. You can also add answers to your own questions if you wish!
Please let me know if you’d like to “play!”

I told you …

I said that when the crocuses appeared my depression would magically disappear. Well … here go.

I’m waiiiiting …

BY the way, I am very pleased that I am still working on my novel for Nano Camp and it’s going pretty well! Last night I did some prompts with a friend via some youtube videos put up by Nano Camp. Unfortunately, for the first prompt, I wound up coming up with the video for 2014, not 2015. Also, I heard the word “thoughts” when they said “box.” But the prompt caused me to have a very interesting conversation between my characters, so it’s all good. I would share it with you but I am bashful about sharing my work until I have a chance to pick it all to bits.

All in all, I am so happy with my progress. Happy that when I get behind, I don’t quit. Happy that when I don’t feel like writing, I do it anyway. It’s pretty cool how much writing you can produce when you write!

On that profound note, I bid you adieu as I go back to waiting for my depression to lift. 😀

I make all things new …

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.  — Revelation 21:5

“New Post, New Post!” My Gmail inbox is full of new posts, many of them from others who are taking the “Blogging 101” course offered by WordPress. Through no small miracle of technology, we are finding each other and it’s exciting!

And if I don’t allow the guilt feelings to reign, I am happy. I am always happy when I obey the voice that says, “Write.”

What is the alternative?

Giving in to the guilt and fear and, I admit, laziness, that says, don’t write. You’re not good enough anyway. You won’t finish anyway …

But are we still talking about blogging here?

No, I’m talking about my dream, to write novels and get published and live happily ever after.

Yeah well, I’m just being honest here, lol.

Anyway, it’s my hope that by writing this blog it will help me toward that dream.

For one thing, I think that by writing this blog it will clear out the cobwebs and make room for me to write, without all those other voices in my head. For another, I hope that by writing here frequently it will keep the wheels greased, so to speak. And last but certainly not least, I will be sharing Christ with people – my walk with Him, and what He’s teaching me.

And, no small matter, I will be walking along with other dreamers, many of them bipolar like me. We will support one another through our highs and lows, and even the drudgery of “ok.”

And we will be made new, in a way, by fulfilling the dream that God put in us: “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” — Psalm 37:4. Not just granting my “wishes,” but putting them there in the first place.

I love it!  😀

 

(Now quit talking about it, and do it!)

 

 

Say Anything

Originally the title of this thing was going to be “On Writing.”

… versus, “Off writing.”

Every famous writer writes a book or an essay or a blog called “On Writing,” don’t they?

I have been wanting to work on my blog something fierce for a couple of weeks now, but here is why I haven’t. This is the alternate version of the song, “Home On The Range,” where always is heard a discouraging word:

I’m too busy.

I’m too depressed.

So and so might read it.

Nobody will read it.

I don’t have enough to say.

I have too much to say.

It’s too controversial.

It’s not unique or important.

It’s boring.

Who cares anyway? Why bother?

I don’t have time.

But it’s more than all that. Often, I think what I write could dishonor God, to be that honest, to share the process before I “arrive.” How do I get from point A (distress) to point B (at peace) and honor God at the same time?

But even that is a poor excuse for not writing. Even in the Bible folks were not perfect at the time they wrote, and yet God published their “blogs.” God shared their process – not just the end result.

On top of that, I am one who really needs privacy when she writes. My 27 year old is staying with me at the moment, and I’m not comfortable writing while he’s here or due back home. I definitely do not do well with interruptions.

Not to mention, he’s often on the computer when he IS home. You may be able to have two people play on a piano at one time, but that’s never worked on a computer.

I also have to be in the mood. And, conditions have to be right. I mean, REALLY right.

(The caps are because I’m too lazy to format; just consider them italics).

But, for the most part, I have not written because I have censored myself.

I’m REALLY afraid of the waves I could make.

And that’s stupid. Because the reason I started the blog in the first place is that there is that part of me that just wants to SCREAM because she has been stifled so much. As I said in the first blog (did I say this in the first blog?) I am a Christian with mental illness. I can’t talk to my Pastor about my thought processes in regard to mental health issues in any detail. And I can’t talk to my counselor about my thought processes regarding spiritual issues in any detail. There is no bridge in the middle where I can really be myself and talk about EVERYthing.

Except with my dear dear friends. There are a very few to whom I can say anything, but they are there and I am soooo grateful for them.

But regardless of the fact that I can truly be real with them – I hesitate to tell ANY of them that I’m suicidal, until a) it passes, or b) it is too big to deny anymore.

Then there is the weirdness factor. If they REALLY knew how I think…  no no. I’d best polish it up first.

They are always there for me when I finally decide to out myself, but I just don’t like making them WORRY. I can say I’m suicidal, or thinking this or that, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it. But the thoughts do still occur.

And, ironically enough, the thoughts occur most often when I don’t say what’s going on. So, if I am suicidal or craving something I shouldn’t, I won’t say I’m suicidal or craving something I shouldn’t, which makes me feel suicidal and crave something I shouldn’t.

So – in conclusion – is this really about writing?

Looking back, it’s more about censorship.

When I first started this blog, I was going to do it anonymously. That’s how much I wanted to be able to “say anything.” (A movie title I believe). But I felt that I was cheating myself by not being honest about who I really am.

So here I am, really me, but awfully quiet about it … Lord help me to be a little less afraid of everything …